What happened to my glasses? (The true harrowing tale.)

If you know me IRL, you know that I need corrective lenses to function.  I’ve worn glasses or contacts since the third grade.  (SMH, my first pair of glasses…) Sometimes I go full on contacts but most times I’m really lazy and just do glasses.

About a year and a half ago I went full time contacts again and bought a year’s supply.  Then in February of this year I got down to my last pair of contacts.  I was feeling lazy again and decided not to reorder.  I’d go back to full time glasses and save my last pair for emergencies and/or dates.  And that plan worked pretty well… until… July 22nd, 2015 (otherwise known as Wednesday).

July 22nd, 2015. The day of my 15th wedding anniversary.

Fifteen years together with Nick, my sexy guitar-playing, refrigeration-business-managing, worship-leading, baseball-loving, record-collecting, father-to-my-kids-ing, partner-in-crime-ing husband.  I was gearing up for an epic afternoon of hanging with my dude and decided it was time to bust out the ole contacts.

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I put in my contacts and fixed my makeup and hair.  I looked smokin’.  I set my glasses in the same place I always put them when I wear contacts, on top of my makeup case, that way when I take out my contacts later they will be ready and waiting for me to don them once again.

Then I did the most normal thing in the world… I went pee.

Now, my ensuite bathroom is pretty small and the toilet is really close to the bathroom counter.  Normally, this doesn’t present any problems.  I stood (as one does) and pushed the handle to flush, at the same time grabbing a bracelet I wanted wear off of the top of my makeup case.  (You can see where this is going.)  The bracelet caught the corner of my folded glasses and flung them into the open toilet bowl just as the water swirled out, carrying my glasses with it.

That’s right.  You did read that correctly.  I flushed my glasses down the toilet.

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I literally began laughing and crying at the same time.  (Using the force and sheer will power I commanded my tears to stay in their ducts, I wasn’t about to get tear streaks all through my hot makeup job.)  To his credit, Nick waited a little while before making fun of me.  Meghan and Sammee showed no restraint, however.  Neither did our buddy Dylan who was over when it happened to watch the girls for us.  And neither has anyone else who has heard this story.  So, now that you’ve read the true harrowing tale, I don’t expect you to either.  Lawl it up.

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Today is July 25, 2015 (otherwise known as Saturday) and something pretty amazing happened today to complete the tale.

First, as you’ve probably already guessed, the toilet was unusable after that.  Nick consulted his plumber buddy and it was determined that we’d have to unbolt the toilet and lift it off the floor to remove the glasses.  This was a very sad thing for me to hear.  Not only did I lose a good pair of glasses but now I’d have to wait to use my bathroom until the unbolting could occur.  And I really wasn’t looking forward to the mess it would make.

But, as I said, something amazing happened today that changed all of that.

You see, the other day a Walmart cashier overheard me telling this story to someone else and decided to share a flushing story of his own.  He told me how he’d flushed a toothbrush down the toilet and managed to fish it out with a wire hanger.  I didn’t think much about the story until this morning when I woke up and couldn’t get it out of my head.  I went to the closet, found an old wire hanger, untwisted it and went fishing.  I didn’t have any luck, though.  Nothing was biting.

But Nick saw what I was doing and decided to give it a go… and… HE GOT MY GLASSES OUT!  UNDAMAGED!!


Not only is he sexy but it turns out he’s great at fishing glasses out of toilets!  Who knew?

So that’s it really.  The whole true story.  I haven’t decided if I’ll try to sanitize my glasses and keep them.  I went to the optometrist yesterday and bought another year’s supply of contacts and ordered new glasses so having my old ones back is just an amazing bonus.

I have learned one very valuable lesson from all this though: Always shut the lid before flushing.

P.S. If you haven’t done so yet, check this out. It’s amaz-zaz-zing.

P.P.S. I have mailed out all the cameras but there’s still time to get yours.
winking taco

P.P.P.S. I’m putting together a little give-away, so stay tuned to this bat channel for a chance to win big.

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A Story of Four Tents

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Four people went out and bought tents. They all bought the same cute little pup tent in different colors. One blue, one green, one orange and one pink. Each tent came with a coupon for a tent repair kit, no expiration date. They took their tents home. They cared for their tents, kept them clean and neat, never losing a part or ripping the fabric. They used their tents lovingly for many years without incident. The tents seemed indestructible. They loved their tents as if they were their own children.

Then one summer they all went camping on the same night. An unexpected summer storm set in. The winds and rain pummeled the tents. Branches flew through the air, smacking into the tents, ripping into the fabric and bending the poles. The next morning the sun peered out from behind the clouds, the air smelled clean after the rain and the campers emerged from their battered tents to survey the damage. All four tents were damaged but not destroyed. The campers were devastated but then each made a plan and set it in motion.

Blue called the manufacturer and asked that the tent maker repair the tent. The tent maker agreed and returned the tent to Blue in better than new condition. Blue went camping the following weekend.

Green also called the manufacturer and asked that the tent maker repair the tent. They had to leave a voicemail, though, and never heard back from the manufacturer. Green became angry and embittered toward the manufacturer and started a blog just to bad mouth the tent maker. Green eventually used the coupon for the tent repair kit, though. The tent is repaired and just fine. In fact, unless you knew where to look you’d never know there was ever any damage. Green’s blog has gained a lot of followers.

Orange called the manufacturer too. They also left a voicemail and never heard back. Orange, however, was unphased by this. Orange remembered that the purchase agreement stated that damage to the tent was expected and redeemed the coupon immediately. The tent is repaired and doing just fine. Like Green’s, you would never know that there had ever been any damage. Because Orange didn’t start a rage-filled, hate blog, they have a lot more time to go camping and they get a lot more use out of their tent than Green does these days.

Pink never even thought about calling the manufacturer. They redeemed the coupon and I think you know what happened next. Pink went camping with Blue last weekend.

Each tent owner handled the situation completely differently, but one thing remained the same in each scenario. The tent owner was not hurt in the storm, only the tent was. The tent was damaged, not the person.

Something to think about.

WHATEVER! IT’S 2009!

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An oft-shared sentiment between my eldest daughter and myself, “Whatever! It’s 2009!” seems to capture, precisely, our thoughts and feelings on so much of life.  It’s a guttural, primitive cry of the human spirit.  It expresses in its very essence a disenchantment with our current urban society that we cannot express so succinctly ourselves.  It is a primordial, cathartic release.  And so, without further ado, I give you “Whatever! It’s 2009!”