Let Me Be Clear…

If I have not accurately said it before, let me attempt to do so now: what I want is Jesus.

I want Yeshua. All of him. All of who he is. All of what he means. All of how he loves.

I don’t want your interpretation of him. I don’t want MY interpretation of him. I don’t want my pastor’s interpretation or my husband’s or the pope’s.

I want him.

What does that mean?

For me that means questioning everything. I question what I’ve always believed, what I’ve always been taught, I question what I professed to believe 5 minutes ago. Because being open to being wrong is the only way I’m going to find Jesus. I will always question and wonder and ask why. How else will I find him?

There are a lot of questions out there. He has the answers. I can study the Bible until I’m blind, listen to sermons until I’m deaf, pray until I’m hoarse. But I won’t find him completely in those things. Not completely. He is and is not in the Bible. He is and is not in those sermons. He is and is not in those prayers. He is so much more. Because he is alive. He is dynamic and complex and wild.

And he loves beyond a measure I can understand.

Yes, God created the world to be a certain way. I will agree with that. But what that way is? I have yet to know for certain.

All I know with any real positivity, is that Jesus is love. And I don’t understand what love is. But I want to.

Oswald knows what’s up


Exactly what I needed this morning. My evil heart is breaking me but thankfully God is never-failing. I’m thankful God gave Mr. Chambers revelation that can still be read today. My Utmost for His Highest remains one of my favorite devotionals of all time forever. 

A Story of Four Tents

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Four people went out and bought tents. They all bought the same cute little pup tent in different colors. One blue, one green, one orange and one pink. Each tent came with a coupon for a tent repair kit, no expiration date. They took their tents home. They cared for their tents, kept them clean and neat, never losing a part or ripping the fabric. They used their tents lovingly for many years without incident. The tents seemed indestructible. They loved their tents as if they were their own children.

Then one summer they all went camping on the same night. An unexpected summer storm set in. The winds and rain pummeled the tents. Branches flew through the air, smacking into the tents, ripping into the fabric and bending the poles. The next morning the sun peered out from behind the clouds, the air smelled clean after the rain and the campers emerged from their battered tents to survey the damage. All four tents were damaged but not destroyed. The campers were devastated but then each made a plan and set it in motion.

Blue called the manufacturer and asked that the tent maker repair the tent. The tent maker agreed and returned the tent to Blue in better than new condition. Blue went camping the following weekend.

Green also called the manufacturer and asked that the tent maker repair the tent. They had to leave a voicemail, though, and never heard back from the manufacturer. Green became angry and embittered toward the manufacturer and started a blog just to bad mouth the tent maker. Green eventually used the coupon for the tent repair kit, though. The tent is repaired and just fine. In fact, unless you knew where to look you’d never know there was ever any damage. Green’s blog has gained a lot of followers.

Orange called the manufacturer too. They also left a voicemail and never heard back. Orange, however, was unphased by this. Orange remembered that the purchase agreement stated that damage to the tent was expected and redeemed the coupon immediately. The tent is repaired and doing just fine. Like Green’s, you would never know that there had ever been any damage. Because Orange didn’t start a rage-filled, hate blog, they have a lot more time to go camping and they get a lot more use out of their tent than Green does these days.

Pink never even thought about calling the manufacturer. They redeemed the coupon and I think you know what happened next. Pink went camping with Blue last weekend.

Each tent owner handled the situation completely differently, but one thing remained the same in each scenario. The tent owner was not hurt in the storm, only the tent was. The tent was damaged, not the person.

Something to think about.