Meghan and Sammee attempt to make animal sounds. They aren’t very good at it. It’s hysterical. Click the link below. Enjoy.
If you know me IRL, you know that I need corrective lenses to function. I’ve worn glasses or contacts since the third grade. (SMH, my first pair of glasses…) Sometimes I go full on contacts but most times I’m really lazy and just do glasses.
About a year and a half ago I went full time contacts again and bought a year’s supply. Then in February of this year I got down to my last pair of contacts. I was feeling lazy again and decided not to reorder. I’d go back to full time glasses and save my last pair for emergencies and/or dates. And that plan worked pretty well… until… July 22nd, 2015 (otherwise known as Wednesday).
July 22nd, 2015. The day of my 15th wedding anniversary.
Fifteen years together with Nick, my sexy guitar-playing, refrigeration-business-managing, worship-leading, baseball-loving, record-collecting, father-to-my-kids-ing, partner-in-crime-ing husband. I was gearing up for an epic afternoon of hanging with my dude and decided it was time to bust out the ole contacts.
I put in my contacts and fixed my makeup and hair. I looked smokin’. I set my glasses in the same place I always put them when I wear contacts, on top of my makeup case, that way when I take out my contacts later they will be ready and waiting for me to don them once again.
Then I did the most normal thing in the world… I went pee.
Now, my ensuite bathroom is pretty small and the toilet is really close to the bathroom counter. Normally, this doesn’t present any problems. I stood (as one does) and pushed the handle to flush, at the same time grabbing a bracelet I wanted wear off of the top of my makeup case. (You can see where this is going.) The bracelet caught the corner of my folded glasses and flung them into the open toilet bowl just as the water swirled out, carrying my glasses with it.
That’s right. You did read that correctly. I flushed my glasses down the toilet.
I literally began laughing and crying at the same time. (Using the force and sheer will power I commanded my tears to stay in their ducts, I wasn’t about to get tear streaks all through my hot makeup job.) To his credit, Nick waited a little while before making fun of me. Meghan and Sammee showed no restraint, however. Neither did our buddy Dylan who was over when it happened to watch the girls for us. And neither has anyone else who has heard this story. So, now that you’ve read the true harrowing tale, I don’t expect you to either. Lawl it up.
Today is July 25, 2015 (otherwise known as Saturday) and something pretty amazing happened today to complete the tale.
First, as you’ve probably already guessed, the toilet was unusable after that. Nick consulted his plumber buddy and it was determined that we’d have to unbolt the toilet and lift it off the floor to remove the glasses. This was a very sad thing for me to hear. Not only did I lose a good pair of glasses but now I’d have to wait to use my bathroom until the unbolting could occur. And I really wasn’t looking forward to the mess it would make.
But, as I said, something amazing happened today that changed all of that.
You see, the other day a Walmart cashier overheard me telling this story to someone else and decided to share a flushing story of his own. He told me how he’d flushed a toothbrush down the toilet and managed to fish it out with a wire hanger. I didn’t think much about the story until this morning when I woke up and couldn’t get it out of my head. I went to the closet, found an old wire hanger, untwisted it and went fishing. I didn’t have any luck, though. Nothing was biting.
But Nick saw what I was doing and decided to give it a go… and… HE GOT MY GLASSES OUT! UNDAMAGED!!
So that’s it really. The whole true story. I haven’t decided if I’ll try to sanitize my glasses and keep them. I went to the optometrist yesterday and bought another year’s supply of contacts and ordered new glasses so having my old ones back is just an amazing bonus.
I have learned one very valuable lesson from all this though: Always shut the lid before flushing.
P.S. If you haven’t done so yet, check this out. It’s amaz-zaz-zing.
P.P.P.S. I’m putting together a little give-away, so stay tuned to this bat channel for a chance to win big.
For those of you waiting for your camera… I haven’t mailed them yet. Just a little bit of honesty for you. My 15th wedding anniversary was yesterday and I “lost” my glasses. (More on that in my next post.) But I’ll try to get them mailed by this weekend.
While you’re waiting you need to head on over to my new favorite web comic: Drive. It’s an amazingly clever and absolutely brilliant comic by artist Dave Kellett. It’s an ongoing story, not a non-sequitur, so you really need to put on your nerd pants and start at the beginning. If you’re anything like me then you love humorous sci-fi stories set hundreds of years in the future. But don’t let me spoil it for you with spoilers. Click that link and settle in.
Ron Swanson is a man of principle, a man of few words and a man of mustache. Presented to you now are 2 of my favorite Ron Swanson moments. Enjoy.
One of the best moments in television history. Ever. Period. For realz. I’m not even playing with you. Click this extra long link to watch it. Normally, I’d embed the video into this post but embedding was disabled so I had to make it a link. And, yes, I am aware that I made this entire paragraph a link. Where is it written that links have to be short? I made this one really long so you should have no trouble clicking on it.
Here’s the other one: (It’s embedded)
It’s story cube time again in school, my friends. If you enjoy a good tale made up of random ideas drawn from 9 picture die and told by an 11 year old and an 8 year old (with the help of their clever mother), then this is the story for you.
I now present to you: The Funny, Little Elf and The Ghost
Once upon a time, there was a mysterious lock… on a door… in a house. No one knew what the lock went to. It was magical. Now, there was a funny little elf. This elf would take his funny little elf bike and ride around the neighborhood until one day he saw a new house. It was mysterious and weird to him because he knew all the houses in the neighborhood, he knew everyone in the neighborhood and he knew everything about the neighborhood. He went up to this mysterious, new house and knocked on the door. When no one answered right away, he tapped his foot loudly and huffed then knocked impatiently, even louder. Suddenly, a ghost answered the door and went “Bbblllllbblblblbllll!!!” The elf jumped practically out of his skin! He was confused by all this and annoyed but mostly confused.
He went home to ponder the meaning of it all. He pulled out this lucky abacus. It always gave him the correct answers to the most difficult math questions so he was sure it could help him solve the mystery of the new house with the magical lock. He stared at the abacus for days. Finally, he knew what to do. The abacus told him to fly a rocket up into space and look down on the earth and say, “What’s wrong with you world?” He had to do this because the abacus told him to.
When he came back down to earth from space, he landed on his house (with a mouse in it) and crushed both the house and the mouse. (It was a sad day for the mouse’s family.) He was extremely mad about all this so he found a tree with a large tree trunk, big enough carve an entirely new house out of the trunk. He decided to live in the tree from then on.
However, while all this was fun, it still hadn’t helped him solve the mystery of the house with the magical lock. He knew he needed to look for clues. So he dressed in his very best Sherlock Holmes costume and began to search the neighborhood for clues that would tell him the secret of the house.
First, he talked with a tree that had a face. The tree said, “Bblbllblblblblblbl!” The elf replied, “Oogie, oogie, oogie.” To which the tree said, “Well, sir, I don’t know anything about the house other than that there is an old man living in the house that died yesterday!” At this the tree used his mighty branches to push the elf down into a mud puddle. Now, the elf’s feet were ever so dirty, as well as the rest of him, but mostly his feet. He went to go wash off his dirty feet and happened to find some footprints… covered in gold! He picked up the golden footprints and made millions of dollars.
With his newfound wealth, he hired the world’s best living detective, Batman. Batman called the Justice League and they all went over to the mysterious house to solve the mystery. What they found has astounded everyone who has heard this tale. They found a….
And then the funny little elf, grew to be an old man. He never told anyone what they found. But he did move into the house and had lots of girly tea parties with the ghost.
This is an accurate representation of our conversation at dinner tonight:
Sam: “I’m gonna marry a man who loves comedy… Or a leprechaun.”
Everyone but Sammee: “A leprechaun, huh?”
Sam: “What?! Leprechauns are hot.”
Meghan: “I don’t think you know what you’re talking about.”
Nick: “Who’s the best looking leprechaun you’ve ever seen?”
Sam: “I just think they’re pretty because they have a lot of money.”
Meghan: “Wow. Sam you don’t know what you’re talking about.”