God

Be.

I’m scared. The whole world is scared. I think I ugly cry at least once a day. I check the stats on COVID-19 before I go to sleep. And then again as soon as I wake.

My oldest child has Type 1 Diabetes which is an autoimmune disease. At her last doctor’s appointment at the beginning of March, we were told her A1C was better. It’s still much higher than the average person’s but it’s good for a teenager with T1D.

My husband works with the public every day. He owns a business fixing food service equipment. So he and all his employees spend their days in restaurants, grocery stores and gas stations, fixing the equipment the public touches minute by minute. And even though he’s wearing gloves and showering when he comes home and we have hand sanitizer right by the front door, I’m scared.

But I know I’m not alone in my fear. I know others in much more dire circumstances are just as afraid and have fewer resources.

So I took my panicky heart this morning and wrote a poem that is just as much prayer as it is poem. It’s called “Be.” And expresses what I think God is saying back to me. Maybe it’ll say something to you too.

Be.

You see me
All of my pain and fear
And though I hold it up against the world
You don’t

I don’t know how
How you take me this way
Hold me like marzipan
In your warm, wizened hands
Tell me it’s ok
To feel
All the things

Why don’t you say
Look
Be
Do

Why don’t you say
Oof
Ugh
Mmm

Why do you allow me to be this way
Why don’t you stop me
Correct me
Compare me
Reject me
Contrast me
Grade me
Score me
Rate me
Berate
Coerce
Connive
Control

WHY DON’T YOU CHANGE ME

I see all the ways I could be
Better
I see all the ways I couldn’t
Measure up

I pray like I’m in Hell
Rescue me
Save me
I’m in danger
Protect me

As I wrap myself in all the comfortable things I own
That I bought

I am not more deserving of your
Grace
And mercy
I am not your favorite
I don’t stand alone

But still I feel your
Tenderness
Your loving gaze
Your calming breath

Breathe in
Whooo
Breathe out
Whooo

What must I do?!
I cry out
To earn this gift!
I have to know

I strain my ear to listen
Quiet everything to hear

But what I hear is…

Be.
It is enough
Just to be

I knew what I was doing when I made you
I’ve always known who you are
And meant to be

You covered yourself
In the fig leaves the others were using
Plastered with clay
Thick and wet
And hidden

Now it’s all washed away
You are naked
Don’t be ashamed

You cursed the water
That left you exposed
That shifted the sand
That destroyed what you thought was your home

Don’t curse it, my love
This was not for your harm
I am the rain, Love
I am the storm

The fig leaves are gone
You’re free of the clay

Just be, my sweet love
Be.

It is enough for me.

Order everything off the menu, unbutton your pants and watch Firefly

Image result for bill gatesBill Gates comes to you one day and says, “Hey.”

And you say, “Oh wow! One of the richest men in the whole world, Bill Gates, is talking to me! Amaze.”

And he says, “Ha ha, yes, that is me. I am Bill Gates. But, hey, I wanted to tell you, you see that restaurant over there?”

He points. You look. There is, in fact, a restaurant over there. In fact, it’s a really nice one. Michelin stars and everything. You could never afford to eat there. You’ve always wanted to but you couldn’t even afford an appetizer, let alone a whole meal. You know the maitre’ d wouldn’t even let you past the front door.

“Yes?” you say, somewhat confused.

Bill smiles as he says, “Well, I own that restaurant and I just want you to know that you can go in and eat there for free, anytime you want. Order anything you want off the menu. It’s all free.”

“Wait? Seriously?” you ask doubtfully. There’s absolutely no way this is for real. Bill Gates doesn’t even know you! What could you have possibly done to deserve this? Nothing. That’s what. It doesn’t make any sense. It’s too good to be true.

“Yes,” he says chuckling, “Whatever you want, just go in and sit down and order.”

“What’s the catch?” you say, doing the squinty eye suspicious thing you’ve seen on TV.

Bill’s eyes crinkle from smiling and laughing. He’s even wearing a Mr. Roger’s style cardi. “No catch,” he says, “You don’t have to do anything. It’s all free.”

“Why,” you say, eyes squinting so tight they’re practically shut, “What did I do to deserve this?”

“This is just something I want to do,” he says, “There’s no catch. You don’t have to earn it. I just want to do this.”

“For real?”

Bill nods, “For real. Pinky promise.”

He gets up from the picnic table at the park that I never mentioned and starts to walk toward a really cool, expensive car that is also, like, so eco-friendly. After a few steps, he turns around to say, “And tell your friends. They can come too.” He gives a very friendly and reassuring wave, gets into his car, and flies away.

What. Just. Happened. You don’t know. It’s a mystery. But yet…….. I mean, you gotta try it out right? Just to see if it’s real. I mean, you’re probably being punk’d but if not…

So you go in. The maitre’ d knows you on sight and looks really happy to see you. You’re seated immediately in a private room with your own personal army of wait staff waiting on you hand and foot.

You order. You order everything. Everything on the menu. You take at least one bite of each thing. To your absolute delight, you are having the time of your life. AND THE FOOD! It’s so good! It’s the best food you’ve ever eaten. Ever. You finally finish. You can’t eat another bite. You leave with 12 doggie bags. And as you leave, you ask the maitre’ d if you can come back again someday.

“Oui,” he says in the snooty, French accent you were already imagining, “You may come back whenever you like and as often as you like.” He smiles and does a fancy clap so that the wait staff come and follow you out to your car, carrying the 12 doggie bags.

You go home and unbutton your pants and watch Firefly and smile because you feel so good all over. What an amazing experience! What did you do to deserve this, you keep asking yourself. You don’t know. But you do know that you definitely want to do that again.

And you do. Not right away. But when you do go back, you don’t order everything on the menu this time. Don’t get me wrong, you still order wayyyy too much, only 8 doggie bags this time, you don’t want to seem too greedy.

Home, pants, Firefly.

After a few more times, you start to feel kinda weird about all this free food. I mean, WHAT DID YOU DO TO DESERVE THIS? You still don’t know. You order less food every time. Something just feels… off… about this arrangement. It can’t be real, can it? You wonder when the producers of the hidden camera show are gonna pop out and scare the crap out of you. There has to be a reason for Bill Gates to be giving you all this free food. THERE HAS TO BE A REASON.

So you switch to Windows only and Microsoft everything. It’s the only thing you can think of. Surely, this is the reason for the free food. This has to be Bill’s end game, amirite? More customers for his products, that’s the real reason for the free food, right?

Not only do you make the switch but you start telling all your friends that they need to make the switch too. “Why?” they all want to know, “Why should we make the switch?”

“Well,” you tell them, “If you switch to Windows and Microsoft, you can eat at this restaurant for free, anytime you want. You can order whatever you want off the menu and it’s all free.”

“Wait, so what you’re saying is, if I switch, I can eat at this Michelin rated restaurant for free, anytime, forever?”

“Welllllllllll,” you hem, “Not forever. You can only eat there as long as you keep using Windows and Microsoft. But as long as you never stray from the Gates Way, you can eat there forever. For FREE.”

Some of your friends make the switch and start eating at the restaurant. Some switch when they feel like eating there but they usually switch back to Apple. Some just really don’t care about eating at some fancy restaurant if it means giving up their iPhone.

Then there are those that make the switch, go to the restaurant, order to go and then SELL THE FREE FOOD THEY GOT TO HUNGRY PEOPLE. #douches

And then you’ve got those who take their doggie bags to the homeless but won’t give them the food unless they make the switch, which they can’t do because THEY DON’T OWN A COMPUTER. #nonsense

How much further do I need to take this analogy?

Surely, by now, you’re picking up what I’ve been laying down.

One thing I know, when I feel God’s presence, I feel overwhelming love and acceptance. I’m not worried about God’s end game. I’m not worrying about how I can earn the FREE love. I’m just enjoying it.

This idea that we have to change, to “make the switch”, to modify ourselves in order to be worthy of God’s free love… we came up with that idea. Whether because of guilt, shame, fear or whatever, doesn’t matter. We have to let that all go and just be confident of God’s love and acceptance.

Nothing feels better than being totally accepted from stem to stern, to feel the warmth of love washing over you and knowing, KNOWING, YOU ARE LOVED. Without a catch, without having to modify yourself or change, without complications, you’re just loved.

I started thinking about all this because I felt really shitty today. I was reminded recently of the existence of a few people who think rather ill of me or at least they think ill of my social media presence judging by their past comments. These are people who used to say nice things about me to others (at least I think they did).

But I’ve been “trying new foods on the menu”, to go along with the analogy. I’ve been finding freedom and love in God in new ways. I’ve been losing my fear and shame and allowing myself to just be myself, exactly as I was made. It’s been a wonderful journey.

But my “freedom” or whatever you may call it seems to make others upset. They don’t like my posts anymore (which let me tell you are really, very mild compared to what they could be). My behavior and dress and language and ideas bother them, anger them, frighten them and threaten them? I guess?

So they comment. And their comments hurt. And just thinking about their past comments to me (and even recent comments, as recent as Jan 1st, 2020) can make me feel less than. I doubt my journey. I doubt myself.

But when I think about the frightened bunny I once was, the one who “made the switch”, I just feel pain and loneliness and suffering. And when I think about the love I feel in God’s presence now, that drips over me and fills me and erases my fear and doubt, I know I’m headed in the right direction.

And I realized that when I can feel God all around me, I’m not thinking about an end game or my behavior or any of that. I’m just basking.

I hope, dear God do I hope, that I can carry these thoughts with me. That the next time I feel shitty because someone said something mean to me, the next time I doubt my journey and myself, I hope I can remember the free love I didn’t have to earn. I hope I can remember that “making the switch” is their baggage, not mine, and I can just go bask in the glow and order everything off the menu.

Because that’s what I want: all of God’s love. Give it all to me so I can take it all in until I’m full to bursting.

People may think ill of my journey, but God’s love is so much sweeter and stronger than their opinions. And it’s that strength and sweetness that I want, not their approval. Come and judge me and find me wanting. It’s ok. I’m taking doggie bags home.

I challenge you and I challenge myself to boldly go into the restaurant with an iPhone in your pocket, order everything off the menu, unbutton your pants and watch Firely.

Thanks! I won’t.

Yesterday, I did a chalkboard drawing. I do these once in a while ranging from every few weeks to every few months. The chalkboard I use for this hangs in a fairly prominent place in my home and I have to see it a lot, so I often use it as a sort of ever-changing inspirational poster, like a physical inspirational meme.

The drawing I did yesterday was a fairly simple one, I’ve done much more complex ones in the past, with only an open door in the corner and large letters sharing a bible verse.

IMG_5186

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you. ~ Matthew 7:7

I’ve been on a journey, seeking out God for much of my life. I’ve always loved the spiritual world and it’s mysteries. Even when I was little before I met Jesus, I was always looking for the mystical and magical all around me. The world filled me with wonder and I loved it.

For the most part, religion tried to scare that out of me. Religious people want you to love Jesus and forsake the mystery. The mystical and magical seem to have little place in the world of organized religion. This is because, unfortunately, we’ve all been domesticated to think dualistically.

img_5188

To a dualistic mind, questions and answers are separate, opposing things. Something cannot be both a question and an answer. In this way of thinking, Jesus is an answer to a question, not both the question and the answer. In this way of thinking, if I have found Jesus, I have the answer not the question.

But, lately, I’ve been trying to shed a dualistic way of thinking. It’s definitely not easy but it’s the direction I’m going.

Dualism, by its very nature, is an “us vs. them” reality. It calls for us to categorize and separate everything in our world, even people. And, honestly, I don’t want to do that to people anymore. I don’t want to try to categorize people and fit them into neat little boxes in my mind. I don’t want to be categorized by others so why would they want to be categorized by me. I know that I am categorized by other people, though, because, by and large, people are dualistic thinkers and they can’t help but put me in a box. But if I can somehow work towards no longer boxing people up in my own mind, then that is what I’m going to do. It’s a work in progress.

And so, on this path, I have decided it is ok to see the mystery of God, Jesus and the Divine, and to appreciate that not only are they the mystery but also the answer to that mystery. And it’s ok if I never have “answers” to my questions. The point is to keep searching and seeking. Because God loves to be sought after just as much as we do. We were made in God’s image, after all.

So I made my little chalkboard drawing, Seek and Find in big bold letters, and I wrote a little caption underneath to sort of explain where I’m at on my journey.

I woke this morning to find a very long comment on my post. An old friend I haven’t seen for years seemed to be in disagreement with some of the things I had said. They disagreed with my use of him/her in reference to God because they believe God prefers to have themself identified with male pronouns. And my friend seemed to take issue with me saying that I was dropping the need for right and wrong, saying, “if we drop the need for right and wrong, morality also becomes murky waters”.

My first thought, after reading all of that, was, “Oh no! I’ve offended my friend. I need to clarify what I meant!” That thought and all the feelings that were tangled up in it lasted about 2 seconds, if that. My next thought was, “No, I don’t.” And I’m still dining on that second thought, hours later.

Mixed into the first thought was worry that my friend was angry, hurt and offended. I don’t believe God has a gender and I don’t believe God cares if we call them he or she or it. When asked by Moses what God’s name was, it replied, “I Am.” I think God is a lot bigger than gender and social construct. God is “I Am”, something outside of name and category. So, in those first 2 seconds, I wondered if I should tell my friend these thoughts. Would my viewpoint ease their obvious discomfort?

I also wasn’t referencing morality when I said I was dropping the need for right and wrong. I simply meant I was dropping the need for me to be right and you to be wrong. I don’t want to leave morality behind. I just want to leave behind my own superiority and start to empathize with people, rather than try to fix them with my own ideas of what is right. So, in those first 2 seconds, I wondered if I should tell my friend what I really meant about right and wrong. Would this help them feel a little better?

But I realized quickly what I was doing. I was assuming my friend was angry, hurt and offended. I was assuming my friend was coming at me from a place of attack. And I realized that I actually didn’t know what my friend was feeling. Maybe they were concerned for me. Maybe they thought what I wrote was an indication that my soul was in danger. After all, I’ve definitely been the person who thought someone’s soul was in danger because of something they posted on social media. If I’m honest, I’m still there more often than I want to be.

And so, I went from feeling attacked and upset to feeling kind of flattered. If my friend was, indeed, simply trying to save my soul, well, I appreciate that. How kind of them! Perhaps, in the eyes of my friend, I am careening down a path that inevitably leads me over a cliff into the abyss of hell. Since they care for me, they are trying to stop me from going to hell. And believe it or not, I don’t find that offensive. I think it’s kind of sweet.

I do not believe my soul is in any danger. I’m not worried that God is offended by what I said on instagram. So, why should I take offense at what my friend said to me? They were simply trying to help.

It’s like when a child comes into the kitchen and their mother immediately yells, “Don’t touch the stove! It’s hot!” The child came into the kitchen to get a treat, not to touch the stove. But the mother doesn’t know that and loves her child and doesn’t want to see her child burned. The child can react two ways. Either become offended and say, “I know not to touch the stove! I’m not stupid!” and storm out without the treat they came for. Or the child can simply appreciate that their mother loves them and say, “Thanks! I won’t,” and continue going about getting their treat. More often than not in life I have reacted the first way and shouted, “I’m not stupid!” and left without my treat. But I’m trying a different approach these days. I’m trying really hard to see the love in situations like this and simply say, “Thanks! I won’t,” and continue getting my treat.

And so, I replied to my friend.

IMG_5187

And now, here I am, telling all of you about this. Why? Well, I don’t think my motives are really all that pure. I’m writing this because I’m really proud of myself. I still haven’t reached the place in my spiritual journey where I don’t need to celebrate personal victories. This is a personal victory for me!

I don’t handle conflict or confrontation well. My normal tactic is to run away. Lol. I’m usually terrible at standing up for what I believe in. I often let others fight my battles for me.

But for several months now, I’ve been working on my conflict resolution skills. I wish I could tell you that I read a great book or listened to a great podcast that has helped me with this, but it’s just not true. Instead, I’ve been trying really hard to stop feeling personally attacked and start trying to see things from someone else’s perspective. This isn’t the first time I’ve had comments from people on my social media that have felt attacking, far from it. But this may be the first time I have switched perspectives so quickly. That is why it’s a personal victory for me.

Normally, when I receive negative comments, my adrenaline starts pumping and I feel scared and worried. It can take days for me to stop thinking about it. It can also take days for me to reply, if I even do. This time, 2 seconds of worry and it was over. That feels really good. It feels good to realize that no matter what my friend was actually feeling when they wrote that, I can still appreciate it and be thankful. Thankful for the care and concern. Thankful to them for taking the time to write to me. And I’m just proud of myself for getting there more quickly than usual. Lol. I hope to someday get to the place where I don’t need to pat myself on the back for handling conflict well, but I’m just not there yet.

So, to my friend, I just want to say, I see that you were warning me not to touch the stove. I appreciate you trying to keep me from getting burned. And to anyone out there, lovingly shouting at me, “Don’t touch the stove! It’s hot!”, I say, “Thanks! I won’t.” And I love you.

 

Triangle

There I was, sitting in Starbucks, feeling really shitty about myself. I was, admittedly, having a wonderful little pity party.  Then a friend sent me a message. They were going through something really hard, something I’ve been through before but it’s been a while. Now, I was hurting for my friend. And I felt so stupid for my self-indulgent little pity party. I just wanted to find a way to help my friend. But there really wasn’t much I could do except offer support and pray.

I wrote the word PERSPECTIVE in bold letters in my journal and underlined it.

Still sitting at Starbucks, I decided to spend a few minutes in prayer and meditation. I grabbed my coffee cup and wrapped my hands around it, holding it sort of chest level and stared off into the distance at a knot in the woodwork. I asked God to help my friend and asked him to speak to me. I breathed in. I breathed out. Then I glanced down at my coffee lid.

I saw a triangle.

This was not a heaven sent triangle. It was just your ordinary, run of the mill, recycling triangle that you see on all recyclable plastic.

But immediately upon seeing the triangle, a spark popped in my brain and I thought, “Everything is a triangle.” Obviously, everything is not a triangle, but what I really meant was, “everything has a cycle and needs balance”.

Then I remembered the time Jesus was asked what is the greatest commandment. He said to love God with all your heart, soul and mind. And the second is to love your neighbor as you love yourself. I pictured a triangle formed by loving God, loving others, and loving myself.

IMG_4749Every time I’ve ever read those verses I’ve totally seen the “loving God” part and “loving others” part, but somehow I have missed the “loving yourself” part. But it’s right there!

36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” – Matthew 22:36-40

News flash! You can’t “love your neighbor as yourself” if YOU DON’T LOVE YOURSELF!

The idea of loving myself has been evolving for me. To be honest, I have taught against it in the past. (This is why James said let not many be teachers. Because he knew we’d eff it up.) I always believed it was ok to have healthy self-esteem but I thought the idea of putting yourself first was just an excuse to act like a b*tch to people. And maybe that’s the case with some people. But as I’ve come to see, putting yourself first can also be extremely healthy and life giving. As I’ve been on this journey of self-discovery/uncovery/recovery, I’ve been seeing the need to stop doing things that hurt me even if those things help other people.

IMG_4750Sometimes, we do need to put others first, I won’t deny that. There are times when we have the strength, ability, resources, gumption, whatever, that others don’t have and as Amanda Palmer said “if you can, you must”. IF I have it to give, it’s ok to give. And I should give. IF.

But there are certainly times when I do not have the strength, ability, resources, gumption, whatever, and were I to give to my neighbor, not only would I be without, I would have a negative balance. And now I would need someone to come and give to me.

So there are absolutely times when I must be at the top of the triangle.

IMG_4751And even if what I am doing is so very beneficial to others, if I’m dipping into a dry well, I NEED to stop.

These last two years, I have started a class for middle schoolers at church that I then stepped away from. (But only after there were other teachers to take my place. I’m not a monster.) I have volunteered to clean at church and stepped away from that. And my husband and I have led a life group at church that we… can you guess? Stepped away from. I carry a huge amount of guilt about all of these. In all my years, I have not been a person who just stops helping. Usually, I am the person who adds more volunteer work to their schedule.

But I have been dipping from a well that is dry for far too long. And I’m so lucky to belong to the kind of church now that really doesn’t want people to do that. Most of the churches I’ve belonged to have been the kind that believe you “give until it hurts and then give some more”. But the church I belong to now believes in healing and wholeness for everyone. Even if that means stepping away from things for a season.

Back to Starbucks. I finished meditating and put my mystical coffee cup down. I picked up my journal and drew a triangle, writing “self, God, others” in the three corners. I wrote the word BALANCE boldly and underlined it. And I realized that to have balance in my life I must love God, others and myself equally. I must give time and place to each equally, never letting one become unbalanced and unhealthy.

It’s funny how concepts you’ve been thinking about for years (like not dipping from a dry well or having balance in your life), concepts you thought you understood and had some kind of mastery over, how suddenly they take on a completely new meaning and understanding for you in the blink of an eye. It’s funny how, even when you thought you knew what loving yourself meant, you find out, you didn’t completely and you have to keep learning.

Oh well. I’m gonna keep working on myself and my triangle and I guess you, dear readers, get to have a front row seat. Lucky you.

Go out and have a balanced triangle for yourself. Whatever that looks like for you.