Joy

A friend recently recommended the song Joy Invincible to me by Switchfoot. So when I pulled up to the Audubon Society Trail near my house, I slammed my airpods into my ears and let it play on repeat as I took off on the 1 mile forested trail. I have always had a special love for nature. When I was a kid, my family moved into an apartment complex for about a year that had a forested area, presumably for walking trails but since the movie Hook had just come out, I assumed it was actually for me to live out my Neverland fantasies. It was there that I discovered my love for all things forest. And, though, there are times when I haven’t been able to spend as much time with her as I’d like, I always end up back in the arms of my Mother Nature.

As I walked the trail today, I tried to let the words of the song wash over me and at the same time, I tried to let my Mother do her work in my heart. The two intertwined around my broken little, crumbling, blood pumping organ like vines forming a latticed cage. “It’s ok,” they said to me, “We’re here, my darling.” I pulled out my phone and opened the notes app to write down a few thoughts as I walked. I snapped some pictures. I sobbed loudly and I breathed deeply. Music and nature can’t fix everything but they can certainly help hold me together for a while.

So here are my notes from my walk and a few pics, also the song. The words “Hold to what’s real, everything heals” hit me deep every time.

My notes while walking:

Nature is brutal and cruel and merciless and beautiful and spectacular and kind. She takes but she also gives and gives so generously. And she doesn’t lie. Oh, she’s a selfish bitch but she’ll never lie to you. She doesn’t pretend to be anything she’s not. And when I’m questioning everything, she doesn’t have answers, she has arms. And sometimes her embrace is all I need. Here, it doesn’t need to make sense. I don’t need to be right. They don’t need to be wrong. I come to her weeping and she simply gives joy. 

If I could rewind

Sometimes in life, your heart gets broken, nay, shattered, into infinitesimal little pieces, not once, not twice, but three times all in the span of a few days. Three people I deeply care about have completely stomped my heart into the ground. They all say they need space from me. Well, two of them told me they need space and one just ghosted me. And of all the pain I feel right now, the pain I feel the most is the regret of my own actions. There is one person out of the three that I feel I acted horribly towards. I don’t know how they’re feeling because they won’t talk to me. And I feel like I deserve that.

My prayer now is just that time really does heal all wounds. All I want to do is fix things but I know I can’t. So I’m just gonna write songs. Songs help me express my feelings. I don’t want to be in this much pain anymore. Everything hurts all of the time. I constantly feel like I’m going to throw up. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. And time moves at the most incredibly slow pace. When do I get to the part where I don’t feel like this? When do I get to the part where I find out if my friend forgives me? When do I get to the part where I feel like someone loves me again?

If I’m being totally honest, I don’t want to exist right now. But this meme kept popping up on Facebook the other day.

I want so badly to believe this is true. Not too many people have shown me lately that they’re happy I exist. Especially, the three important people in question. I need a lot of kindness right now. And a mountain of grace. I’m so hurt and angry and broken, I’m going to say the wrong thing, make mistakes, be a jerk, push people away. I don’t want to but I don’t know how to stop.

Friend, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

P.S. I’m not up for sharing any details. I’m gonna vaguebook this as long as possible. Everyone involved knows who they are. And let’s be real, none of the other people involved will read this. Which breaks my heart. But what’re you gonna do? Be sad and write more songs and try to make it through another day. That is my current plan.