Anyway, I love you all.

It’s hard to explain where my brain is at these days. Every day is such a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions. But I’m hoping I can explain a little of the outward chaos everyone is witnessing on the daily. (There is also inner chaos. Don’t get it twisted.)

Some of you know that my husband of 21 years and I separated at the beginning of August. I will not go into the details. I will only say that the separation is the reason for my chaos.

Every day since we separated has become a struggle between the dark and the light. Some days the dark takes me over and I cannot get out of bed, I become convinced that I am the worst person alive. All the mean things I’ve worked so hard for years to stop saying to myself coming flooding back and I have little strength to silence them. Those days, I sleep a lot, I cry a lot, I don’t eat.

Other days, I walk in the light. I’m able to see the good in me, the beauty, the kindness, the humor. Those days I post a lot on Facebook because I have joy and I need to spread it, I get a lot done, I get outside and ride my bike or take a walk.

But most days are a mix of both. Today, for instance, I took a wonderful, short hike in the woods at Bray Conservation. Driving home, a memory hit me from the day of my wedding. It was such a good memory and I realized I still have love in my heart for my soon to be ex. This made me incredibly sad because I know we will not be able to resolve our differences. I then spiraled into a thought pattern about no one ever wanting me again. I was in so much pain just after having such a wonderful, inspiring hike. So I went and bought a punching bag. And putting that punching bag together brought me back to a sort of ok place.

I probably seem really unstable right now to most people observing my life. And maybe that’s because I don’t know how to feel or what to think from one moment to the next. My entire world crumbled when he left and I’ve been trying to put the pieces back together ever since.

I’m trying hard to find balance now between the light and the dark, trying to be the steady person I’ve slowly become over the years. And every day I cringe at something else I’ve done or said or thought. I’m not entirely who I want to be right now. I can see her, she’s right there. I just can’t quite reach her yet.

I feel like a strange imposter is living in my skin saying and doing things I wouldn’t say or do. She moved in and I’m not sure how to get rid of her. But I know learning to love myself again is key to her ousting and to the return of the girl I feel I truly am.

A huge part of me wants to isolate from society so I can just work on myself privately and stop behaving like a yo-yo. But another big part needs the love and support of my friends right now and spending time with them, laughing and talking about anything other than my life is so important to my mental health.

And so I swim in the chaos of light and dark, of isolation and socializing. I rabbit back and forth between being overly loquacious and being utterly silent. I constantly assume I’m annoying everyone and I probably am.

I don’t know how long I will be like this. Know that I find myself every bit as chaotic and annoying as the rest of you do. But know, too, that I am working on myself daily. I am working to see my worth and beauty. I am working to see my good and humor. I am working to be ok with potentially being alone for the rest of my life. Being alone is very hard for me but one of my goals is to learn to be ok with it.

If you made it this far, thanks for taking the time to read this and hopefully understand a little better why I am so chaotic right now. I am a little terrified that my emotional roller coaster will scare my friends away. It hasn’t happened so far so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it won’t.

Thank you to everyone who has loved me through this difficult time in my life. Thank you for the hugs and shoulders to cry on and the gifts and laughter. Thank you for all the YouTube and TikTok videos. Thank you for the music and the books. Thank you for your smiles.

Lastly, if you read this and you are hoping to contact me to talk about this, I would like to politely ask you not to. I’m sorry. I just can’t talk about it anymore. I appreciate the thought though. And I thank you for wanting to reach out. I know it comes from a place of love and kindness.

I don’t know how long I’ll leave this up. I might delete it right away. Sometimes I just need an outlet and I’ve used this blog as such for a long time.

Anyway, I love you all.

Joy

A friend recently recommended the song Joy Invincible to me by Switchfoot. So when I pulled up to the Audubon Society Trail near my house, I slammed my airpods into my ears and let it play on repeat as I took off on the 1 mile forested trail. I have always had a special love for nature. When I was a kid, my family moved into an apartment complex for about a year that had a forested area, presumably for walking trails but since the movie Hook had just come out, I assumed it was actually for me to live out my Neverland fantasies. It was there that I discovered my love for all things forest. And, though, there are times when I haven’t been able to spend as much time with her as I’d like, I always end up back in the arms of my Mother Nature.

As I walked the trail today, I tried to let the words of the song wash over me and at the same time, I tried to let my Mother do her work in my heart. The two intertwined around my broken little, crumbling, blood pumping organ like vines forming a latticed cage. “It’s ok,” they said to me, “We’re here, my darling.” I pulled out my phone and opened the notes app to write down a few thoughts as I walked. I snapped some pictures. I sobbed loudly and I breathed deeply. Music and nature can’t fix everything but they can certainly help hold me together for a while.

So here are my notes from my walk and a few pics, also the song. The words “Hold to what’s real, everything heals” hit me deep every time.

My notes while walking:

Nature is brutal and cruel and merciless and beautiful and spectacular and kind. She takes but she also gives and gives so generously. And she doesn’t lie. Oh, she’s a selfish bitch but she’ll never lie to you. She doesn’t pretend to be anything she’s not. And when I’m questioning everything, she doesn’t have answers, she has arms. And sometimes her embrace is all I need. Here, it doesn’t need to make sense. I don’t need to be right. They don’t need to be wrong. I come to her weeping and she simply gives joy. 

If I could rewind

Sometimes in life, your heart gets broken, nay, shattered, into infinitesimal little pieces, not once, not twice, but three times all in the span of a few days. Three people I deeply care about have completely stomped my heart into the ground. They all say they need space from me. Well, two of them told me they need space and one just ghosted me. And of all the pain I feel right now, the pain I feel the most is the regret of my own actions. There is one person out of the three that I feel I acted horribly towards. I don’t know how they’re feeling because they won’t talk to me. And I feel like I deserve that.

My prayer now is just that time really does heal all wounds. All I want to do is fix things but I know I can’t. So I’m just gonna write songs. Songs help me express my feelings. I don’t want to be in this much pain anymore. Everything hurts all of the time. I constantly feel like I’m going to throw up. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. And time moves at the most incredibly slow pace. When do I get to the part where I don’t feel like this? When do I get to the part where I find out if my friend forgives me? When do I get to the part where I feel like someone loves me again?

If I’m being totally honest, I don’t want to exist right now. But this meme kept popping up on Facebook the other day.

I want so badly to believe this is true. Not too many people have shown me lately that they’re happy I exist. Especially, the three important people in question. I need a lot of kindness right now. And a mountain of grace. I’m so hurt and angry and broken, I’m going to say the wrong thing, make mistakes, be a jerk, push people away. I don’t want to but I don’t know how to stop.

Friend, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

P.S. I’m not up for sharing any details. I’m gonna vaguebook this as long as possible. Everyone involved knows who they are. And let’s be real, none of the other people involved will read this. Which breaks my heart. But what’re you gonna do? Be sad and write more songs and try to make it through another day. That is my current plan.