I wrote this song a while back and decided to revisit it today because I have felt completely awful for days now. If you can’t figure it out from the lyrics, it is about one of my beloved Alices, Alice Liddell, the star of Alice in Wonderland. (My other beloved Alice is Alice Abernathy from the Resident Evil series.)
I love strong women in fiction and film. As a young child who often felt she had to navigate the world alone, the story of Alice in Wonderland has always resonated with me. I’ve tried to live my life with the same bravery, wonder, curiosity and audacity that Alice exhibits in her story. I like to think that most things in life don’t scare me. But that’s not true. The thing that scares me the most is the possibility (let’s say probability) that I am unbearable.
When I get into the headspace I have been in for the last few days, I shrink because I am convinced that I am not a person other people want to be around. I feel that I must be incredibly unaware of myself and that if I do not shrink and become small, no one will want me.
But thinking of my beloved Alices does help. I have been brave many times in my life and I can be brave now. I don’t feel totally confident yet but singing always helps. I can do hard things, even if I am completely unbearable and annoy the ever living fudge out of people, I can still do what needs to be done.
So please enjoy a not great recording of me playing with a broken elbow when I shouldn’t be. (I’m also typing with a broken elbow. Don’t tell.)
Today is proving to be a hard day for me emotionally. Being honest, I’ve noticed I regularly get depressed at the start of the week now. And it’s not because I’ve got a case of “The Mondays”. I honestly don’t know what the correlation is between my sadness and the beginning of each week.
Yesterday, I spent most of the day in bed. I wanted to do laundry but I did not. I wrote a song about my sadness instead and watched a movie with my son.
I have noticed that each week when the sadness hits, it’s getting easier and easier to make myself do something, anything. So that’s good. I did the dishes today and a load of laundry. I’m planning to do some errands too.
I’ve got some goals I’m working towards and I’m hoping I will see myself climb out of this cycle of sadness the closer I get to achieving those goals. But the truth is, I am grieving. And I am coming to grips with a new reality I was not prepared for.
I weirdly have a lot of confidence in my talents, skills and abilities but not a lot of confidence in my ability to maintain relationships. Something that seems very true, I can be very diplomatic when I use my “customer service” persona, and people are comfortable with that side of me. But when I get real with people, they don’t like it as much. I thought I had found the one person who could handle “the real me” but I was wrong. And I get really sad thinking about it. So maybe that’s it? I don’t know.
I know I’ve gotta keep working on myself and toward my goals. I know I have to keep working toward liking myself exactly as I am.
Today has been hard but it was easier than last week. So I’m hoping next week will be even easier.
Why is it when you get really sad, things that usually bring you comfort just make you sadder? Ex: I can’t listen to music or watch videos that normally lift my spirits when I’m like this. It’s too painful. WTF?!? They lift my spirits so why in the ever living fudge does it hurt to see/hear them?