Let Me Be Clear…

If I have not accurately said it before, let me attempt to do so now: what I want is Jesus.

I want Yeshua. All of him. All of who he is. All of what he means. All of how he loves.

I don’t want your interpretation of him. I don’t want MY interpretation of him. I don’t want my pastor’s interpretation or my husband’s or the pope’s.

I want him.

What does that mean?

For me that means questioning everything. I question what I’ve always believed, what I’ve always been taught, I question what I professed to believe 5 minutes ago. Because being open to being wrong is the only way I’m going to find Jesus. I will always question and wonder and ask why. How else will I find him?

There are a lot of questions out there. He has the answers. I can study the Bible until I’m blind, listen to sermons until I’m deaf, pray until I’m hoarse. But I won’t find him completely in those things. Not completely. He is and is not in the Bible. He is and is not in those sermons. He is and is not in those prayers. He is so much more. Because he is alive. He is dynamic and complex and wild.

And he loves beyond a measure I can understand.

Yes, God created the world to be a certain way. I will agree with that. But what that way is? I have yet to know for certain.

All I know with any real positivity, is that Jesus is love. And I don’t understand what love is. But I want to.

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I’m 103 and other musings plus another gold nugget from Oswald Chambers


Mr. Chambers does it again. This. I NEEDED to read this. It is just another huge confirmation that the decision Nick and I recently made for our family was the right thing for us. 

It would be hard for me to explain why this meant so much to me without telling you a lot of our personal history and I don’t think I want to do that… But it is still an amazing read for any Christian. 

If you don’t own a copy of My Utmost for His Highest, I highly recommend getting one or downloading the phone app or having both the book and the phone app, like me. Be forewarned, however, there is more than one version. The original version written in the early 1900’s (1911-1917) and an updated version that puts Mr. Chambers old timey speech into more modern language. I personally prefer the original old timey one because I think the way Mr. Chambers phrases things is poetic and makes me think. Also, I’m secretly 103 and kindly request that you get off my lawn, you dang kids. 

Anyway… go read it. HashtagGoodStuff

Truth time and I’m Still Here

Truth time:  I’ve written over 50 songs in the last few years.  I’m not really sure how many.  I don’t post many of them on here for one simple reason: time.  I’m a mom with a full schedule, it’s difficult to find the time to get a semi-decent take to post on here.

More truth:  My husband has a very nice recording studio that I could utilize whenever I want.  But I have even less time for that.

But I want to make more time for recording.  And I want to make some actual good recordings.

I’m working on it, guys.  Give me a break.  😉

Anyway, until I get around to making decent recordings, I’m gonna try to make more time to post my semi-decent iPhone recordings.  At least you’ll get to hear those gems.

So here’s another one for you.

I’m Still Here.

But first, the backstory:

Some of you know that my mom passed away April 3, 2016 after a two year battle with cancer.  I wrote this song at a time when I was trying to make sense of it all.  I had been reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed (and watching the movie that was based off of the book) around the time I wrote this.  Cheryl’s mother also died of cancer and her story is heartbreaking.

CherylStrayed_book_PCTAnyway, there’s this scene in the movie when Cheryl has this realization.  She’s been hiking the PCT for a while (Pacific Crest Trail) and she’s still hiking even though other, more experienced hikers have quit the trail due to adverse weather conditions.  And she says, “Wow.  Greg quit and I’m still here.”  And something inside me just broke.  It’s my favorite scene in the whole movie.

(The book and movie are not for children, just FYI.  There are definitely some “fast-forward” scenes, as I like to call them.  I’m not ashamed to admit that even though I’m 36, when a sex scene shows up in a movie I cover my eyes and make Nick fast-forward.  Don’t judge me.  You don’t know my story. 😉 )

Anyway, that’s where the words “I’m still here” come from.  It’s this realization that even though we’ve been battered, bruised and beaten by the storms of life, we survived.  We’re still alive and here and ready to take on the next day’s challenges.  And even though it hurt a lot, we’re going to be ok.

So, without further ado, here’s the song:

I'm Still Here lyrics

 

The beauty of my honest truth

 

These are my exact flaws. What can I say, I’m only human.  Beautiful, charming, intelligent, sophisticated, pure, humble… yes… but human. 

You might hate me for my flaws but I’ll love you for the beauty in your hatred of my honest truth. You can quote that. (Because it totally makes sense.) 

As a wise man once said, “Haterz gunna hate.” 

😘