Tinnitus Conspiracy Theory

When I was 11, I sometimes had tinnitus. Tinnitus is a ringing or buzzing in one or both ears. I actually still get it sometimes but it doesn’t happen as often as it did when I was a young preteen.

Being 11, I didn’t know that this was an unusual occurrence that is NOT supposed to happen. I just figured it happened to everyone. So I never told anyone at all that it was happening.

Now, before you start to think that this is a story about a medical condition I didn’t know I had, let me set you straight, this story in no way answers any medical questions. I still don’t know why I had (and sometimes still have) tinnitus and, to be honest, I don’t care. (I should probably care but I don’t. Sue me.)

One night, after having a particularly memorable amount of high pitched ringing in my ears, I went and stared out of my bedroom window at the streetlights in our neighborhood and a strange idea came to me. What if that high pitched whine I heard was actually the sound of air escaping through a crack in the large glass dome that covered my world? Yes, you read that right, I imagined The Truman Show before it ever existed. (The Truman Show was released in 1998. I was 11 in 1992. Suck on that.)

My theory was this: I was actually a full grown adult detective from the future who rode a motorcycle and “knew too much”. My memory had been replaced and I had been reprogrammed to believe I was an eleven year old girl. My entire world was under a huge glass dome where “the past” (1992) had been recreated to keep me under control. (Hello? The Matrix? It came out in 1999. Apparently, I had all the good ideas first.)

EVERYONE was in on it. And for the most part, “their” plan had worked. (No idea who “they” were.) BUT, the dome was cracking and sometimes air would escape creating this high pitched whine. Everyone could hear it but they pretended not to so I wouldn’t regain my true memories. But now that I’d figured it out, I just had to wait until my true memories resurfaced and I could escape the dome.

As I’m sure you’ve guessed, my true memories never resurfaced and I grew up and got married and had kids and forgot all about being a detective from the future.

But tonight, I remembered.

And I realized something, you guys. COVID-19 is just another part of the conspiracy meant to keep me from remembering who I am and the secret buried deep inside. It’s time to activate those dormant memories, find my motorcycle, and escape the dome. I must have been starting to get close again to solving the mystery of my own mysterious past and “they” had to keep me isolated and afraid in order to keep me from discovering the REAL TRUTH.

But the worst part is… You’re all in on it. Gotta say, that one hurts guys.

But I also have a question… How old am I really? Let’s say when I was 11, I was actually 31. That would make me 59. Am I really a sixty year old detective who rides a motorcycle and lives under a dome? I’d say… probably. Oh well.

My Brief (but passionate) Love Affair with the Catfish, Mike William’s [sic]

You guys!!! What a fun morning I’ve had! A wonderful catfish named Mike William’s [sic] slid into my TikTok DM’s this morning and I had just the best convo with him. Don’t worry! I took screenshots!

 

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Ok, first of all, I do not share my location with people voluntarily. And my bio does not say where I’m from. Here is the evidence.

 

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Someone did not do their homework…

 

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Ok… A couple things here… 50?!?!?! I’M 39!!! 39, people! So, as you can probably tell, this is when my lying got OUT OF CONTROL. Also, Mike William’s calls me cute and beautiful A LOT throughout this exchange. I would like to know if he watched my most recent TikTok video before DM’ing me.

 

 

If he watched that and STILL wants a piece of all THIS, he’s welcome to it! HAHA. But read on for more of my brilliant lies…

 

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A couple things to know: 1) I was totally hiking while having this convo this morning; 2) I created a new Gmail account from my phone while hiking just so he’d email me some pics. Sadly, none of them were naughty.

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I immediately noticed the stethoscope in the first pic and remembered he said he was in New York. What doctor in New York has time to flirt with a 62 year old woman from Florida in the middle of the day and with really bad spelling and grammar??? I knew it was time to call him on it.

***Edit: I was just informed that these are pics of a famous YouTuber named Dr. Mike, who actually is from New York. That. Is. Hilarious. I had no idea! I could have had a love affair with a famous doctor and I ruined it.

 

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I like how he tries to call me on MY “bushit” at the end. But you know what they say, “never bushit a bushitter”. Sorry, Mike William’s, I’m just a better “bushitter” than you.

Anyway, after I ended things with Mike William’s I reported his account, blocked him, and deleted my new fake Gmail account.

 

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What a whirlwind romance, eh?! Hope this made you smile as much as it made me smile and also double over in laughter when I saw he thought I was 50!!! HAHAHA! Have a good day!

P.S. Comment me your favorite line from the convo!

New Song: Be Here

Hey folks! You may not know this, but I don’t just write about my feelings and fears on COVID-19… I SING ABOUT THEM!

But… if you’ve followed this blog for any length of time, you were probably expecting this.

I got up this morning fresh with fear and panic. So I decided to stop looking at COVID-19 updates for a while. I set an alarm and I’m not allowed to look at any updates until then. But I still couldn’t get my mind off of it, so I sat down at the piano and tried to sing all my feelings out.

Here’s what came out. I called it Be Here. The piano is a little loud on the recording but that’s ok. It drowns out my vocal mistakes. Love you all. Hope you like it.

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My Plans For The End

I keep making plans for when this will all be over. But then I remember I don’t know when that is. And what if it’s never over? And what if I have to bury someone I love? Or they have to bury me?

Then Nick will say, “You have to remember, this was always going to happen and it’s going to be ok.”

And for a moment, I feel ok.

Like many people out there, I’m a sucker for a good apocalypse movie. I feel ok and suddenly every scenario from every apocalypse movie starts replaying in my mind and I wonder if this is just the beginning of the end.

But then I think about the Spanish Flu. It lasted 2 years and infected about a quarter of the Earth’s population. Something like 50 million people died. And the world didn’t end. We made it through two World Wars and countless other catastrophes and disasters and we’re all still here.

The human species should have been killed off by now. Somehow, we keep on.

Here is a song I wrote in 2017. It’s not the greatest recording but go take a listen and read the lyrics. I’m Still Here

It’s about surviving all the things life throws at you. After my mom died of cancer in 2016, I became slightly obsessed with Cheryl Strayed’s book Wild and the movie based on it. There’s a point in the movie when Reese Witherspoon, who is playing Cheryl, realizes that she’s stayed on this difficult trek she is on longer than a more experienced backpacker who has left the trail. She says, “I’m still here.” And that line hit me like a fucking ton of bricks. It stayed with me. I watched the scene over and over. And I even wrote a song with that line.

I’m still here. We’re still here. The human race has survived the hurricane of time. Somehow. It gives me hope. I don’t know when this will end. I don’t know if I’ll have to bury a loved one. Or if I’ll be the one laid in the ground. But I do know IT WILL END.

It will end and life will continue. And humanity will survive. We’re still here. We’re still breathing. The sea came, as if to kill us but we WILL survive.

That is my hope and peace right now. We’ve been here before. We made it before. We’ll do it again. Will I still be scared? You better believe it. Will I keep ugly crying daily? I can’t imagine stopping now.

But I have a smithereen of hope. I have a capful of peace. I know we will survive. I dare not make plans for the future only because I want to keep my mind on this bit of hope and peace I’ve found. And I won’t make plans for the end because I know it isn’t coming.

Be.

I’m scared. The whole world is scared. I think I ugly cry at least once a day. I check the stats on COVID-19 before I go to sleep. And then again as soon as I wake.

My oldest child has Type 1 Diabetes which is an autoimmune disease. At her last doctor’s appointment at the beginning of March, we were told her A1C was better. It’s still much higher than the average person’s but it’s good for a teenager with T1D.

My husband works with the public every day. He owns a business fixing food service equipment. So he and all his employees spend their days in restaurants, grocery stores and gas stations, fixing the equipment the public touches minute by minute. And even though he’s wearing gloves and showering when he comes home and we have hand sanitizer right by the front door, I’m scared.

But I know I’m not alone in my fear. I know others in much more dire circumstances are just as afraid and have fewer resources.

So I took my panicky heart this morning and wrote a poem that is just as much prayer as it is poem. It’s called “Be.” And expresses what I think God is saying back to me. Maybe it’ll say something to you too.

Be.

You see me
All of my pain and fear
And though I hold it up against the world
You don’t

I don’t know how
How you take me this way
Hold me like marzipan
In your warm, wizened hands
Tell me it’s ok
To feel
All the things

Why don’t you say
Look
Be
Do

Why don’t you say
Oof
Ugh
Mmm

Why do you allow me to be this way
Why don’t you stop me
Correct me
Compare me
Reject me
Contrast me
Grade me
Score me
Rate me
Berate
Coerce
Connive
Control

WHY DON’T YOU CHANGE ME

I see all the ways I could be
Better
I see all the ways I couldn’t
Measure up

I pray like I’m in Hell
Rescue me
Save me
I’m in danger
Protect me

As I wrap myself in all the comfortable things I own
That I bought

I am not more deserving of your
Grace
And mercy
I am not your favorite
I don’t stand alone

But still I feel your
Tenderness
Your loving gaze
Your calming breath

Breathe in
Whooo
Breathe out
Whooo

What must I do?!
I cry out
To earn this gift!
I have to know

I strain my ear to listen
Quiet everything to hear

But what I hear is…

Be.
It is enough
Just to be

I knew what I was doing when I made you
I’ve always known who you are
And meant to be

You covered yourself
In the fig leaves the others were using
Plastered with clay
Thick and wet
And hidden

Now it’s all washed away
You are naked
Don’t be ashamed

You cursed the water
That left you exposed
That shifted the sand
That destroyed what you thought was your home

Don’t curse it, my love
This was not for your harm
I am the rain, Love
I am the storm

The fig leaves are gone
You’re free of the clay

Just be, my sweet love
Be.

It is enough for me.