And now all I can think is the absolute blindness to my own strangling need for validation. Lol.

I fucking write a poem about wanting to feel safe and knowing no one cares and then write a quick little essay on why I wrote the poem and then POST that shit on my socials. Like, what?? 😂

WTF does my stupid head think is going to happen? Someone will read it and be like, “awwww…” idk. Social media has us all fucked up.

So I guess I’m writing this to say I know no one gives a shit. 😂 It’s time I start keeping shit to myself. Just handle it on my own. I’ve made mistakes and been too loud. Time to quiet down.

Eff. I’ve never been good at that. I’ve always lived too loudly and been too much and felt to much and talked too much. But I can’t survive knowing all I am is too much.

God, give me a break from the punishment I seem to so rightly deserve of being told how much I suck. This has been ongoing for 2 weeks. Back and forth like a fucking ping pong ball between people I’d hoped gave a shit. Instead, those people just feel the need to tell me how much I suck repeatedly.

So yeah. No more posting shit on my socials. Head down. Heart on lockdown.

I just want to feel safe again.

But we all know that’s up to me.

So I had this difficult conversation today. It brought up so much stuff inside me. Just waves of pain. Happened completely out of the blue. And it wasn’t even an argument or anything. I was just being told some very sort of life altering, distressing news. At the beginning of the conversation I was panicking but by the end I knew I’d figure my shit out like I always do. But even after sorta figuring out what direction I needed to head after getting this information, I still wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything would be ok. I already knew it would be ok, but I wanted someone to fucking care. Lol.

And what I realized is that I’ve been chasing that feeling since childhood. I could remember instances from when I was a kid of hoping a parent or ANYONE gave a shit about me or my pain. Maybe there were times in my life when I thought someone cared. But not anymore.

But that hasn’t stopped me from chasing that feeling. And I look around at all the people in my life and realize we all want that. We all want to feel like someone has us. And for a lot of people, they gave up on finding that a long time ago. But I guess my stupid ass didn’t.

So as I’m sitting here processing that shit, I’m realizing no one cares and that’s fine.

Someone recently told me that I’m too intense and that I don’t have it that bad in life. They’re probably right about both of those things. But them telling me that didn’t suddenly make my ridiculously sensitive emotional switch flip off. I don’t know why I’m built this way but emotions just sort of take over my body like an electric current and there is no off switch.

So even though I am too intense and I don’t have it that bad, I’m still coursing with this emotional current right now activated by an unsafe conversation.

I’m not safe. And that’s fine.

And there is no one who wants to hear about this. There is no one who cares. And that’s honestly fine. We’re all just out here trying to survive. No one is going to tell me it’s going to be ok. And honestly I don’t want them to.

I need to stop running to outside sources hoping they will care enough to make me feel safe again. I need to be the source of my own safety. I’m tired of the people I’m hoping will make me feel safe becoming the ones who make me feel unsafe. No one has got me. Lol.

Yes, people love me and are there for me, whatever. But no one is that rock I can’t stop looking for. And I’m so exceedingly stupid for looking for it.

I’m done.

I saw a girl wearing a Wu-Tang shirt the other day and the image of her and the shirt has been stuck in my mind. I don’t really know why other than maybe because she wouldn’t have struck me as a Wu-Tang fan if I hadn’t seen the shirt. I don’t know. I didn’t ask her to name 3 songs.

Anyway, yesterday when I was looking for something to listen to I searched for Wu-Tang on Spotify and played the first playlist I came across. C.R.E.A.M. was the first song in the playlist. I’ve heard it before. Who hasn’t? I listened thinking, “How have these complex melodies escaped my attention before?”

Nah. Actually, I thought, “This is cool.”

I listened to the playlist for a while before starting it over again on C.R.E.A.M. Something about that piano in the background was haunting me. No doubt the intent. And after a conversation with a loved one who called me in pain yesterday evening, sorting through their trauma and the trauma we both share, I needed that haunting to fill my soul.

Trauma is a funny thing. It’s making and breaking. It’s forming and reforming. It changes us, shapes us, fucks us, sometimes it kills us.

That conversation with my loved one was hard. Aren’t all conversations centered on trauma like that? And the result of the conversation was clarity and fog surrounding my heart. I could see some things so clearly and others were shrouded in mystery, unknown and not understood.

What’s clear to me is this: I have an immensely soft heart, that bleeds in empathy for everyone but myself. I have not spent enough time worried about what I need or want or what is best for me. I have spent copious amounts of time worried about what will benefit others and how I can help them. And if I’m being honest, that empathy has very rarely been reciprocated. Have others shown me love and empathy? Absolutely. But so often the people I have run over myself to take care of have not wanted to take care of me in return.

What is maddening to me is that I WANT to love. I have the biggest, stupidest heart. I want to pour my love out on others and show them that they are made of the stars. But doing so my whole life has only resulted in heartache for me. So maybe it’s time I poured that love out on myself? Something I’ve been trying to do for a while now.

I don’t know. I think maybe I am stupid. LOL. That is where I usually land in moments like these. But whether or not I am stupid, I am going to work harder on loving myself and having empathy for Bonnie. She needs someone to look after her and no one else wants the job.

In the meantime, I think I will use Wu-Tang to fill in a few cracks in my soul. Wu-Tang cut with Dolly. That ought to do it.