Today, I am angry.
I’m angry for myself. I’m angry for a loved one who is hurting. I’m angry for a lot of things. But mostly I’m angry for not realizing sooner that I don’t deserve to be mistreated.
Everyone gets mistreated by others. That’s life. But some people, like me, sincerely believe they deserve to be treated like shit. I’ve written a lot lately about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. One of the things that can come along with having RSD is the thought that you deserve to be mistreated. And when someone does reject you or mistreat you, that’s just nature taking it’s course.
That, my friends, is what we in the business like to call “bullshit”.
Of course, I do not deserve to be mistreated and rejected. No one does. How absurd that I actually believed this!
The realization that I have RSD has basically changed my life and way of thinking. And I’m starting to recognize the destructive, intrusive thoughts for what they are. I’ve started really looking at myself and trying to be as objective as I can be instead of listening to the voices that tell me I’m worthless. And I’ve come to some conclusions.
- I am not a piece of shit.
- I’m not perfect (by any means), however, I am actually a pretty decent person.
- Believing I am a piece of shit has caused me to allow others to take advantage of me, to walk all over me, to use me, and throw me away.
So, yeah, I’m really fucking angry about this.
Why, in the hell, have I allowed people to treat me this way?! Why have I let people use me up and toss me out???
I had a rough night at work. And if I detailed all the ways that it was rough, you might not think anything of it. I probably wouldn’t either under different circumstances. But last night triggered something in me. It lit this fire and I came home from work ready to tear into anyone who messes with me today.
People think they can do whatever they want to me and I’ll just take it. And do you know why they think that? Because that’s what I’ve always done. Always the kid who did the project at school that the other kids just stuck their name on. Always the coworker who does my own work and yours because the work needs to be done and someone’s got to do it. Always the partner to take on the difficult emotional labor even when it drained me to the point of depression. Give, give, give. That’s always been me.
But what if I stop giving? What then? Everyone walks away? The threat of that has kept me in check for a long time. No more. Go ahead and walk away. If I have proven anything to myself over the last year it’s that I WILL BE FINE IF AND WHEN YOU CHOOSE TO WALK AWAY.
In the midst of my difficult night, I did a couple of things: I put White Flag by Bishop Briggs on repeat in my ears, and I kicked ass and got everything done even when I thought I might not be able to. I also wrote a Facebook post. In it I said this:
I won’t let myself be broken anymore. You think you can walk all over me? Think again. You think I care if you leave? Sorry. Don’t. I’m stronger than I look and made of fire and brimstone. Test me. I’m ready.
I am on a mission. And nothing and no one is gonna slow me down or stop me. Not anymore. You either vibe with that or you don’t. But don’t expect me to be a doormat any longer. Go wipe your feet on someone else.