Dark and Difficult

I remember it so well. We were lying in bed. I was trying to fall sleep. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Nick asks me if I think people think I’m a good person or a bad person. Without thinking I said, “I don’t think people think about me.” He said that was sad but I didn’t mean it in a sad way. I meant that people are wrapped up in their own lives and stories and I don’t really factor into anyone’s story in a significant enough way for them to think about me when I’m not around. Out of sight, out of mind.

But now I’m thinking about all this again while I struggle to recognize my rejection sensitive dysphoria for what it is. I still think people don’t think about me unless I pop up in their life. If I send them a text, for example. But if I’m not in their immediate view (irl, social media, text messages, etc.) then I go back to not existing. If someone were to ask me that question again, do people think I’m a good or bad person, I would answer the same way with an addendum or two.

When I imagine what people think of me, I see my worst traits. I imagine that all the good things about me go unnoticed and only the worst parts of me are what come to mind. Annoying, embarrassing, talk too much, too sensitive, too emotional, boring, overthinking, fat, ugly, grating speaking voice. It’s a wonder I have any friends at all.

When I think about how I feel about myself, I see a lot of good. I think I’m kind, funny, intelligent, generous, pretty, and somewhat adventurous. I like myself and my British accent. I don’t care if my kids say it’s not believable.

I’ve been on a real roller coaster of emotions since admitting to myself the other day just how bad my RSD has gotten. I’ve been trying to hype myself up and keep my spirits up but tbh it’s a struggle sometimes. I’m struggling right now as I write this.

I wish I could say I’m worried about what people think of me but the truth is I feel like I already KNOW. They don’t think of me. I don’t exist when I’m not around. And when I am around, I’m back to being the annoying, weird kid in class that no one plays with at recess.

At the moment, I’m feeling very “hide from the world” for a while. Disappear. A friend told me after I moved to Iowa that they thought I was just gonna disappear one day. Wishful thinking? Were they hinting at the future they hoped for? I don’t know.

One thing I know is this journey of rediscovering myself is sometimes fun and sometimes dark and difficult. Today, right now, we’re at dark and difficult. All I know is I don’t want to be cheered up. I want to sit in this feeling until I understand it. That might mean I disappear for a while. Idk. I have no idea what’s next or what tomorrow will bring. I just know there are always rocky valleys to fight through.

People have been calling me brave for a year now. Every time I make a difficult decision to change my life, or share some hard won lesson I’ve learned, someone calls me brave. I’m not brave. I do what I must and nothing more. I don’t have a choice. The things I’m doing are all things I feel I have to do. So I do them. And doing the things, even the really hard things, will lead me closer to where and who and what I want to be.

Right now, doing the things has led me to dark and difficult. Tomorrow may be different.

PS. I mean it when I say I don’t want to be cheered up. I’m just using this blog and this post as a heart patch to sew onto my sleeve. Idk why writing this out helps me but it does. It’s part of my process I guess. Idk. Thanks in advance for not trying to cheer me up.

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