Dating in 2026 is a wild ride for anyone but for a woman in her 40’s, who did not date before her 40’s, it has been an eye opening experience that has taught me a lot about human nature and myself.

I started really dating for the first time in my life in October 2022. For context, I was born in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-one. (I am technically a millennial. I just squeaked in. Stop calling me a boomer, Derek.) That’s 41 years, 9 months and some change of not dating. That doesn’t mean I was single. I had boyfriends before I got married. I just didn’t date.

Ok, so what is the difference between dating and having boyfriends, you ask? I don’t have a concrete definition. It’s like that quote from that judge about porn. You know it when you see it. Dating is just more of a casual endeavor with the possibility of evolving or mutating, if you will, into something else. Something more than casual. But when I was a teenager, I wasn’t out there going on first dates or coffee dates or grabbing a drink together or “shoot I forgot I have an early morning thing tomorrow do you wanna just come over to my place” eggplant emoji, gag me emoji. No, it was the 90’s and I was a good little Christian girl. We went from making eyes at each other across the sanctuary to holding hands and telling everyone God had led us to each other. So I never really dated before meeting and marrying my ex-husband at the near spinster age of nineteen. And then I was married for 21 years.

After my marriage ended in 2021, I still did not date right away. I immediately got into a situationship and fell head over heels for a guy who did not like me. We hung out for 9 months. He is a very sweet guy and I still consider him a friend. We just didn’t feel the same way about each other. And then we both moved. He moved to the Pacific Northwest and I moved to Iowa. And if I am being completely honest on the internet to a bunch of strangers, I waited for him after moving to Iowa. I hoped somehow we would still end up together. Oh my sweet summer child. You are an idiot.

Then October 2022 happened. Something happened that the internet doesn’t get to know. But it made me download Tinder. And not because I wanted to start dating. Nope. I wanted to get laid. I wanted a hook up and then never see the guy again. I didn’t want to know his last name. LOL. That’s not what happened. But that’s neither here nor there. It was the catalyst that finally pushed me into the dating world of the 2020’s.

I would say after my marriage abruptly ended, my biggest fear was dying alone. I watched my mother hop from relationship to relationship my entire life, only to find herself alone at the end. The saddest part of it was that the love of her life, her once best friend Mark, wanted to be with her. But she broke his heart and stuck him in the friend zone years before. Even though she wanted to be with him too. He lived in North Carolina and she lived in Missouri and toward the end they were barely talking. He died a month before she did.

And I was terrified that would be me.

I just kept picturing myself alone on the holidays in a mobile home park somewhere wistfully staring out of the window while my children celebrated the holidays somewhere else, forgetting I exist. And then I just die and no one even knows I’m dead. And my cat eats my corpse.

So anyway… lol.

I have been on and off the apps a few times now over the last four years. And here are a few things I have learned, in no particular order. Also I am still learning and figuring this ish out.

1- I’m not ugly.

Please, don’t misunderstand. I still have a very hard time with this one. But dating has taught me that I am not the disgusting troll I thought I was. Am I fat? Yes. But for a lot of people that’s not a bug, it’s a feature. Who knew? Not me. Do I have grey hair? Yes. Again, feature not bug. And, since I stopped dyeing it, I have come to actually like the grey streaks in my hair. Life is crazy.

2- Dating is deeply unserious.

Fact: I do want a real relationship someday. Another fact: most people on the apps don’t. At least the apps I have been on. I realize if I want to get super serious about finding someone I will have to try the “wow, I’m really serious about finding someone” apps. But those cost money. And I want to keep my money. So for now, dating is gonna have to be deeply unserious.

3- Men are weird and insecure.

I know, I know. Not all men. But a lot of them. I have met some very nice guys but I have also had to block so so many others. Y’all think it is okay to say some very unhinged shit to women. Please seek therapy.

4- My personality might be a bug not a feature.

Let me be clear: I think I am wonderful. But I talk a lot. Overthink everything. And I can be quite manic at times. Also, sometimes I’m just mean. I like to say I have bees in my head whispering shit to me all the time. The bees used to bother me but we are friends now. I love the little stinkers. But me and the bees can be a lot for some people. I get it. Ideally, I will eventually meet someone who doesn’t mind my bees. But for most people, I’m too much. That’s ok.

5- I’m not afraid to be alone anymore.

I have spent the last several Thanksgivings alone and a few Christmases. And it really hasn’t sucked at all. I stay in my jam jams and eat pie straight out of the tin because I don’t have to share and I do whatever I fucking want. It’s actually quite lovely. If I do get into a serious relationship, I very much hope they want to stay in their jam jams all day with me and play video games and eat pie. I did enough baking and cooking and cleaning and decorating, etc. in my other life as a sweet little wife and mommy. I’m full up.

Sometimes I imagine myself in that mobile home park wistfully staring out the window while it rains and the phone is silent and I am all alone. And I think “finally some peace and quiet.”

6- I have a much greater understanding of what I want out of life now.

You wouldn’t think casually dating would help me figure out my life goals but it has. Having to constantly explain what the fuck I’m doing with my life to people I have just met means having to think about it a lot. I’ve been reevaluating my goals and life a lot again lately. I think it’s healthy to take a look at what you’re doing and decide if that’s really what makes you happy. Inertia is a bitch. Can’t let myself become an object at rest. Not yet anyway.

7- I have a much greater understanding of what I want in a partner and what I am really attracted to.

Why am I feral for this guy but that guy, who is nearly identical, does nothing for me? Why does this girl make me want to settle down and raise chickens together and that one makes me want time to speed up so this date will finally end?

Okay, I don’t know if I know the “why.” That’s psychology and mommy and daddy issues and attachment styles and Meyers-Briggs bullshit that I find kinda boring. Weirdly, I used to find all of that stuff interesting and would often take personality tests that were trending like the Enneagram (I’m a 4) and what have you. But now, I think people generally fall into two categories: healthy and unhealthy. I am, of course, the latter. But, really, like everything else in this universe, it is a spectrum. We all need therapy and a hug. Nothing is easy and people suck. All we can do is decide to try to be decent and keep working on our own mentalities or something like that.

But I digress.

Dating hasn’t helped me to figure out the why but I am definitely a lot closer to knowing the what. And I now know I am a little demi and sapio. I need connection to really be attracted to someone and I am definitely attracted to intelligent people. But there are also physical aspects to the whole megillah as well.

I’m not gonna spell out what I want here. That’s for me to know and you to find out.

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Well that about sums up all I care to write and think about on this topic today. Is it exhaustive? Hell now. Am I exhausted? A little, yeah. Too much thinking.

In summary, I am dating. It is teaching me stuff about life and myself. That’s a good thing. I want to be in another serious relationship someday but I’m not making it the priority of my life. I hope someday I will find someone who fits the bill and actually likes me. But I am not as worried about that as I once was.

Also, I am amazing no matter what. My relationship status doesn’t change that. I am no longer defined by my partner or lack thereof. So suck on that.

Be well, my little chickens. Make good choices and choose to love yourself in all iterations of your being.