It’s been a weird few days for me. Life/God/the Universe is trying to teach me something and has been for a long time but it’s just not quite sinking in yet.
I’ve always been the kind of person whose emotions tend to rule her. This is not a choice. It’s something I’ve learned to temper over the years and I mostly have it under control. As a child, when I did not have control, it meant meltdowns, tempers flared, uncontrollable weeping. I was told A LOT that I wear my heart on my sleeve. As a 41 year old adult, who mostly has it under control, it means the emotions still overwhelm me but I am better at choosing when and where to release them.
I’ve never liked this about myself, this enslavement to my emotions. I want to be cool and unattached, mysterious and easy going. Instead, I’m a golden retriever, Eeyore, and Raphael (TMNT) all wrapped up into one. There’s a meme I posted about myself a while back. It’s four characters and they each represent an aspect of my personality.
This is absolutely true about me but may I also add:
I am an emotional lady and I am NOT subtle. People know what I’m feeling. I’ve gotten so much better at masking as an adult but I’m still fairly obvious.
I got triggered a few days ago by a meme on FB and then again earlier today when I learned some information about my childhood that I never knew. Both brought back everything I felt when my ex-husband left me last year. I shared some stuff about how I love too much on FB after seeing that meme. Then today, after learning some new things about my childhood, I wrote a post about my feelings on it all. I posted it. Shared it on FB. Then, thought better of it and deleted it all.
I’m still processing all of it. After all, it’s only been 10 months since my ex left and we were together for 21 years. But it’s really embarrassing for me when I process so loudly and so publicly. Once again, taking my heart out of my chest and pinning to my gorram sleeve.
But as I process, the lesson I’m meant to be learning keeps creeping back up. And maybe pain is the only way I can learn this lesson. I don’t know. But here it is: I must learn who I am and become her. This is what Life/God/the Universe is trying to teach me.
I sometimes fall back into thinking that there is something wrong with me and that’s why all this has happened. I wonder why others can’t see how actually wonderful I am. (I realize how that sounds but bear with me.) Because the truth is, I like me. I think I’m smart, funny, sweet, kind, generous, cute, a good cook, and an all around nice person. I think I’m a catch. But *apparently* I’m not everyone’s cup o’ tea. And sometimes that gets me down. I begin to see myself as bland, boring, ugly, fat, annoying, stupid, and ridiculous. That’s when the emotions tend to get in the driver’s seat. And that’s usually when the wreck happens. (My emotions are terrible drivers.)
L/G/the U wants me to keep on liking myself. I’m certain of this. I really am wonderful, a class act (as a friend recently called me). It’s time to stop letting the ones who don’t see that affect me so gosh darn much. Maybe I’m not their cup o’ tea. That’s ok. They can go drink whatever kind of tea they like. I’m gonna stay over here and be a splash of Gentleman in a tea cup anyway.
So I’m out here learning and processing and growing and doing it loudly and publicly and embarrassingly and heart-sleevingly. But I AM learning. Slowly. To the ones who can’t see my queenly, wonderfulness I say, “Kindly fudge off.” And to myself, I say, “You’re pretty great. You don’t always see it. You’re gonna figure this stuff out. Keep going. Keep trying. You’re wonderful.”
L/G/the U wants me to figure out who I am and become her. I’m working on it. I’m still gonna process too loudly and wear my emotions like a gd reflective crossing guard vest, but I’m gonna keep working, keep trying, keep learning.
Thanks to all of you who are so patient with me on the roller coaster that is me. You’re the best and I love all your beautiful dumb faces.
So here I go, walking off into the unknown again, trying to learn who I am and become her.