I went away…

I haven’t posted a thing on here in a million years.

I tried. 

I tried so many times. 

But I just couldn’t. 

My mom was sick. She was in a nursing home, dying from colon cancer that had metastasized to her liver and lymph nodes. I wanted to write posts but whenever I tried to think of something to write, the only thing I could think of was my mom. And I didn’t want to write about mom. 

All I ever did was talk about mom. For months. Every conversation left me raw. So I just couldn’t talk about her on here too. 

She passed away in April of this year. And I’m still thinking about it all the time. Last night I even dreamt that she was still alive. I told her that everyone thought she was dead, that we’d had a funeral for her. She just smiled at me and shrugged her shoulders. 

My mom and I had a complicated relationship. Saying that she drove me crazy is an incredible understatement. But that hasn’t stopped me from missing her. And I do. 

But somehow, tonight, as I’m writing this, I feel ok. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever post again but I feel ok about posting this. 

I miss my mom. I really do. But I’m gonna be ok. 

Smell

Smells bring back memories

And

Memories bring back smells

That antiseptic smell that lingers in the hallways of hospitals also lingers in the hallways of my mind

And that smell brings a flood of emotion

I love that smell

I hate that smell

That smell hurts my heart, it breaks my insides

It saved my daughter, it ruined her life

It stole years from my mother, it gave me more time with her I didn’t know I didn’t have

And I don’t have to smell it to remember, the memories themselves bring back the smell, no matter where I am

Even when I’m sitting in bed at night ready to fall asleep, the smell haunts me, it invades and steals my peace of mind

Goodnight, Smell, leave me alone tonight