I haven’t posted a thing on here in a million years.
I tried so many times.
But I just couldn’t.
My mom was sick. She was in a nursing home, dying from colon cancer that had metastasized to her liver and lymph nodes. I wanted to write posts but whenever I tried to think of something to write, the only thing I could think of was my mom. And I didn’t want to write about mom.
All I ever did was talk about mom. For months. Every conversation left me raw. So I just couldn’t talk about her on here too.
She passed away in April of this year. And I’m still thinking about it all the time. Last night I even dreamt that she was still alive. I told her that everyone thought she was dead, that we’d had a funeral for her. She just smiled at me and shrugged her shoulders.
My mom and I had a complicated relationship. Saying that she drove me crazy is an incredible understatement. But that hasn’t stopped me from missing her. And I do.
But somehow, tonight, as I’m writing this, I feel ok. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever post again but I feel ok about posting this.
I miss my mom. I really do. But I’m gonna be ok.