If I could rewind

Sometimes in life, your heart gets broken, nay, shattered, into infinitesimal little pieces, not once, not twice, but three times all in the span of a few days. Three people I deeply care about have completely stomped my heart into the ground. They all say they need space from me. Well, two of them told me they need space and one just ghosted me. And of all the pain I feel right now, the pain I feel the most is the regret of my own actions. There is one person out of the three that I feel I acted horribly towards. I don’t know how they’re feeling because they won’t talk to me. And I feel like I deserve that.

My prayer now is just that time really does heal all wounds. All I want to do is fix things but I know I can’t. So I’m just gonna write songs. Songs help me express my feelings. I don’t want to be in this much pain anymore. Everything hurts all of the time. I constantly feel like I’m going to throw up. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. And time moves at the most incredibly slow pace. When do I get to the part where I don’t feel like this? When do I get to the part where I find out if my friend forgives me? When do I get to the part where I feel like someone loves me again?

If I’m being totally honest, I don’t want to exist right now. But this meme kept popping up on Facebook the other day.

I want so badly to believe this is true. Not too many people have shown me lately that they’re happy I exist. Especially, the three important people in question. I need a lot of kindness right now. And a mountain of grace. I’m so hurt and angry and broken, I’m going to say the wrong thing, make mistakes, be a jerk, push people away. I don’t want to but I don’t know how to stop.

Friend, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

P.S. I’m not up for sharing any details. I’m gonna vaguebook this as long as possible. Everyone involved knows who they are. And let’s be real, none of the other people involved will read this. Which breaks my heart. But what’re you gonna do? Be sad and write more songs and try to make it through another day. That is my current plan.

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