So you had a bad day…

I had a bad day.  It wasn’t my first and it won’t be my last.  Though I feel weak, as if I may crumble, I am clinging to God’s love for me and my family.

I sat with my oldest daughter tonight and talked to her about what we are going through.  I told her it didn’t really matter why we were going through these things, it only mattered how we responded to what was happening.  I believe that too.  I believe that more than anything else, God desires closeness, intimacy with us.  He desires for us to seek Him, to know Him, to know His heart and to love Him as our Father.

Because of this belief, I try not to get too hung up on comfort in this life.  If I have to experience discomfort and heartache, my fervent hope is that I won’t dwell on the “bad” stuff, but that I’ll turn my heart toward the Lord.  I no longer believe that God has to change my physical circumstances to demonstrate His love for me.  If my earthly circumstances are less than desirable, even if they’re downright awful, it doesn’t change His love for me.  My earthly life is but a shadow of my life to come with Jesus.  This life is merely the preparation stage.  It’s preparing my heart, reshaping and purifying me.

So I had a bad day.  My day was worse than someone’s and better than someone else’s.  And it wasn’t the worst day I’ve ever had.  But my heart still aches from watching my loved ones suffer.  But I don’t feel alone.  I know that He is with me.  I feel His presence and I know He is grieving with me.  And that is why, even though I’m wiping away the tears as I type, I can say, “I love You, Jesus.  Thank You.  Thank You for being here with me.  Thank You for loving me and giving me hope and joy.”

I love You, Jesus.

Marvel

You believe the blessings you have are a result of your own labor, talent or skill but you are mistaken. You are blessed because a sovereign God wills it to be so. Don’t doubt for one moment that everything you have could be taken from you in an instant if He so willed it to be. Instead, marvel at His kindness and remember that every good gift you have received comes from the Father of lights.

Where I am

There are things you want the world to understand but you don’t want to say. You wish and hope everyone knows and that they will understand what you’re going through but you know deep inside that most don’t. And maybe no one does. Your story is like my story but it is not the same story.

I’m angry. I’m so so angry. And I’m so so devastated. I’m full of regret and full of determination to make the best of what I have.

I’ve experienced loss but never like this. In some ways my loss doesn’t compare with anyone else’s and in many ways it’s exactly the same.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for your support. Thank you for all you have done and said that has shown me your love for me and my mother.

I’m going to be weird and stoic and strange for a while. I’m going to be sad and angry and fine. Sometimes I’m going to seem perfectly fine. It’s just a thin layer and it dissolves every night around 9pm which is when I start thinking about breaking things and sobbing uncontrollably.

I’ve had a lot of offers of help for my mom and myself. Expect me to take you up on them. And expect me to try to do everything myself. I’m a mess.

I love you all. Thanks for understanding the unspoken things in my heart.

For those who don’t know… I can’t… Just email me. I can’t bring myself to write it here.

Thanks.