Got the song writing bug today and pounded this out in a few min. Not a billboard chart topper by any means but it was fun to write music and sing again. One of these days I’ll have the time and luxury to actually make some good music. Anyway, here you go.

And now all I can think is the absolute blindness to my own strangling need for validation. Lol.

I fucking write a poem about wanting to feel safe and knowing no one cares and then write a quick little essay on why I wrote the poem and then POST that shit on my socials. Like, what?? 😂

WTF does my stupid head think is going to happen? Someone will read it and be like, “awwww…” idk. Social media has us all fucked up.

So I guess I’m writing this to say I know no one gives a shit. 😂 It’s time I start keeping shit to myself. Just handle it on my own. I’ve made mistakes and been too loud. Time to quiet down.

Eff. I’ve never been good at that. I’ve always lived too loudly and been too much and felt to much and talked too much. But I can’t survive knowing all I am is too much.

God, give me a break from the punishment I seem to so rightly deserve of being told how much I suck. This has been ongoing for 2 weeks. Back and forth like a fucking ping pong ball between people I’d hoped gave a shit. Instead, those people just feel the need to tell me how much I suck repeatedly.

So yeah. No more posting shit on my socials. Head down. Heart on lockdown.

I just want to feel safe again.

But we all know that’s up to me.

I saw a girl wearing a Wu-Tang shirt the other day and the image of her and the shirt has been stuck in my mind. I don’t really know why other than maybe because she wouldn’t have struck me as a Wu-Tang fan if I hadn’t seen the shirt. I don’t know. I didn’t ask her to name 3 songs.

Anyway, yesterday when I was looking for something to listen to I searched for Wu-Tang on Spotify and played the first playlist I came across. C.R.E.A.M. was the first song in the playlist. I’ve heard it before. Who hasn’t? I listened thinking, “How have these complex melodies escaped my attention before?”

Nah. Actually, I thought, “This is cool.”

I listened to the playlist for a while before starting it over again on C.R.E.A.M. Something about that piano in the background was haunting me. No doubt the intent. And after a conversation with a loved one who called me in pain yesterday evening, sorting through their trauma and the trauma we both share, I needed that haunting to fill my soul.

Trauma is a funny thing. It’s making and breaking. It’s forming and reforming. It changes us, shapes us, fucks us, sometimes it kills us.

That conversation with my loved one was hard. Aren’t all conversations centered on trauma like that? And the result of the conversation was clarity and fog surrounding my heart. I could see some things so clearly and others were shrouded in mystery, unknown and not understood.

What’s clear to me is this: I have an immensely soft heart, that bleeds in empathy for everyone but myself. I have not spent enough time worried about what I need or want or what is best for me. I have spent copious amounts of time worried about what will benefit others and how I can help them. And if I’m being honest, that empathy has very rarely been reciprocated. Have others shown me love and empathy? Absolutely. But so often the people I have run over myself to take care of have not wanted to take care of me in return.

What is maddening to me is that I WANT to love. I have the biggest, stupidest heart. I want to pour my love out on others and show them that they are made of the stars. But doing so my whole life has only resulted in heartache for me. So maybe it’s time I poured that love out on myself? Something I’ve been trying to do for a while now.

I don’t know. I think maybe I am stupid. LOL. That is where I usually land in moments like these. But whether or not I am stupid, I am going to work harder on loving myself and having empathy for Bonnie. She needs someone to look after her and no one else wants the job.

In the meantime, I think I will use Wu-Tang to fill in a few cracks in my soul. Wu-Tang cut with Dolly. That ought to do it.