Waiting
Waiting for it to happen again
For them to see me
As you have seen me
Disposable

You had to choose
Someone always has to choose
But when the choice is me
Or something
Someone
Anything else
Well, let’s just say
It’s never me

You want to pretend
Pretend we’re still friends
Smile
Make small talk
And pretend to care

But you made your choice
You chose her
You chose them

You think you chose
Truth
Righteousness
Holiness
But really you chose

A line drawn in the sand
A perfect white fence
Built to keep people like me
Outside

So now I wait

Because eventually
It always happens again
I make a new friend
We walk hand in hand
But at some point we always
Make it back to the line

And then they must choose
As you had to do

And everyone makes the same choice

If the choice is between me
And something
Someone
Anything else
Well, let’s just say
It’s never been me

***

Triggered. That’s the phrase. Seeing someone from my past, triggered all sorts of thoughts and feelings and emotions.

Rejection and remembering rejection is so destabilizing. It knocks you on your ass. It activates that fight or flight instinct. I guess my instinct is flight because all I’ve wanted to do since I saw them is shrink back and hide. Because the truth is I’m just waiting for it to happen all over again. It feels inevitable.

Over the long haul of my life, it has been very rare for people to choose me when they were forced to make the choice. And it feels like the only way to be safe is to just shut everyone out.

I don’t know when I’ll feel safe again. I’ve spent most of my life feeling disposable and invisible. And just when I think I’ve met someone who won’t throw me away like the rest, it comes time for them to choose.

Well, let’s just say it’s never been me.