Basically… I’m trying to work through this feeling – the feeling that I am evil. The feeling that I am a bad person. Like at my core. I don’t just do “bad” things, no, deeper than that. I am weird, crude, strange, foolish, socially inept, and a lot more junk.
It’s a pretty pervasive feeling inside of me right now. It’s like suddenly a flood light has come on and I’m seeing all of my flaws with stark, blinding clarity. And it’s no fun.
I’m not trying to bum you out or get sympathy. I’m not looking for praise or encouragement. Because even though these feelings keep erupting in me at the most inconvenient of times of late, they are almost always followed by a whisper from my loving Father, that I am loved.
In Mark 10, verse 18, Jesus said that no one is good except God. That verse actually brings me a lot of comfort because I know I’m not alone. No one is good. Everyone sucks. It isn’t just me.
But as my good friend, Austin Crooks, likes to quote, “But God proves his love for us in that while we still were sinners Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:8
We all suck but God loves us anyways. That’s the message of the gospel. Brennan Manning is famous for saying that God loves us as we are and not as we should be because no one is as they should be. And I need to hear that right now. I need to feel that right now. Yes, I’m no good, but God loves me.
It’s true that I’m a big mess. It’s true that I’m weird and strange. I overshare. I gossip even when I’m trying not to. I lie. I’m lazy. I’m crude. I enjoy things that I really shouldn’t. But God still loves me. I don’t know how or why. I just know that he does and I need it. Oh, how I need it.
I hope and pray that people around me can see that I’m a work in progress and even though I’m a mess, I really don’t want to be. Even though I’m a jerk, I love God and want him to change me. I hope people can see that, because I’m sure it’s not obvious. I’m sure my pride is what shines brightest. I’m positive that, at times, I seem like the most arrogant, butt that has ever existed. And at times, I am.
This morning, in the midst of feeling broken, God used a very unlikely source to remind me that, “He heals the broken-hearted, and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3.
What an amazing God I love! Here I am, feeling so broken because I know that I’m a huge butt, and He reaches down and tells me He loves me. He’s not looking at me saying, “You’re right, Bonnie, you are a butt. Now, repent so I can fix you.” Instead, He’s saying, “Shh, shh, shh. It’s ok, sweetie. I love you. Just put your head on my shoulder and cry it out, I’ll hold you.”
As the one and only Toby Flenderson said in a moment of joy, “I’m gonna chase that feeling.” I’m gonna chase that feeling too, that God loves me as I am right now, not as I should be and it’s gonna be ok.
3 thoughts on “When you feel evil: Pt 2”
Not sure why your posts keep coming up on my computer today, but there they are, and I have to read them. (Okay, I do not HAVE TO read them, but they call out to me. You are a person in pain, and you have been for quite some time.) Why is it that you cannot get things right (by your standards)? You say you feel god inside you, allowing you to weep on his shoulder, soothing you with his words, but a year from this post you are still asking the same questions, Why can’t being you feel like enough?
Deep down inside of you, you want to be better. So what is stopping you? Why is it you feel so inadequate?
If I may offer an insight, it is because you judge yourself through the eyes of others. Even through the eyes of god!
But there is only one person who matters, and that is you. What would it take to love yourself? How would you have to change in order to be the person you so desperately want to be?
I’m sure you have heard the old adage, If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they really love you. If they do not return, they never loved you in the first place. I am an atheist, and if it were I feeling as you do, I would let god go, and see if he comes back. But you are a christian, you believe in god. This is your choice. So who else can you let go, to see if she loves you? The only person left is you. Let yourself go, and see what it takes for you to come back. Can the same person leave, and come back without changing? I think not. That is the whole purpose of this exercise. So how do you need to change to be the person you love, the person you want to live with? That one thing is sure, you can let everyone else go, including god if you have to, but you cannot live without yourself. And you cannot live comfortably without loving yourself. So who will it take you to be? I ask this in all seriousness, who will it take you to be?
Answer that, and your life will not be so fraught with doubt, or shame, or whatever else you are feeling. Your life will be filled with love, for yourself, and your idea of god. It is all up to you. Try it, I think you will like it.
“We all suck, but God loves us anyway.” This. So much this.
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