When you feel evil

In case you haven’t noticed, life is complex. 

Decisions are never easy, no matter what stage of life you are in. Looking back on my youth, I feel that the decisions I was faced with daily then were nothing compared to the ones I’m faced with now, but those decisions were difficult for me at that stage in my life. And the decisions I’m faced with now are just as difficult to make, even more so at times. 

Recently, my husband and I came to a crossroads again for the umpteenth time in our married life together. We had a choice to make, a choice that would redefine our lives no matter which direction we took. Let me tell you that it was one of the most heart wrenching decisions we’ve ever had to make. 

We spent months discussing, arguing, yelling, crying, swearing, praying, listening. In the end, we both came to the same conclusion and felt a great peace with our decision. But decisions like this never come without a cost. 

The cost for our decision: hurt, pain, confusion, anger, sadness. Even though we knew we were making the right decision for our family, a decision we felt God was leading us in, it still cost. It cost us. It cost our children. It cost our friends. 

I titled this post: “When you feel evil” because some days that is how my heart feels. I feel that I must be evil because of the pain we’ve caused. I feel so very evil inside and unworthy of friendship or love. I know I’m being dramatic but that is how I feel. 

Decisions are difficult, especially when you’ve counted the cost and you know the cost will be high. But if our family is going to discover where God is leading us, we have to travel down this difficult path for the time being. 

If I could beam my heart straight from inside of me into the hearts and minds of those I’ve hurt I would, so they would know how evil I feel for causing them any pain at all. I’m a pretty loving person usually. I don’t like being the cause of someone’s hurt, anger and confusion. And even though I’ve tried to express this in words to the people I’ve hurt, words are frail and fall short of what I really feel. 

If I’ve recently hurt you, please know how sick inside I feel because of it. Please know that I love you and that I feel evil inside for what our decision has cost you. 

I can’t express with enough urgency how much I genuinely love you all. 

Be blessed, my friends. 

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