Thanksgiving PSA: Don’t invalidate people’s feelings.

Don’t invalidate other people’s feelings.

You may not agree with them. They may have a completely different memory or perspective on a shared experience than you. You may even KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt, with irrefutable proof that they are remembering things wrong. That’s ok.

Still.

Don’t invalidate their feelings.

Don’t tell them how to feel. And when they voice their feelings out loud, don’t correct them saying, “That’s not how you feel. You actually feel this way.”

If they tell you that they’re hurt by you or because of something you did, regardless of whether or not you actually did it, you can be kind and say, “I’m sorry you’re hurting and that I played a part in that.”

Some people will blame you for everything and consistently tell you you’ve hurt them or that you’re an asshole. If that’s the case, look deep inside, really self-evaluate, ask someone who will be honest with you if you’re really a jerk. If you’re not a jerk and you’re tired of apologizing for things that never happened, you don’t have to have a relationship with that person.

But…………..

Don’t invalidate their feelings. Because if you do, then you really will be an asshole.

Why am I writing this on Thanksgiving?

Because a meme I saw on Instagram reminded me why I choose not to spend time with my parents anymore. Do I miss them? Of course I do. But I can’t be around them. Because I can’t share myself with them. There are a lot of reasons for that but a big one is that I’ve spent much of my life having my feelings invalidated, belittled, and gaslighted. I learned to become two different people. The one my parents knew and the one everyone else knew.

I know I’m not alone in this. This is a common tale. That doesn’t stop it from hurting.

So don’t be an asshole. Don’t invalidate people’s feelings. That’s my Thanksgiving PSA.

And have a Happy Thanksgiving. 🦃 Or don’t.

Chucked in the bin again.

Someone said something that hurt me. My immediate reaction was to move them from one category in my mind, the “You May Be Extremely Conservative But You’re Still Really Sweet” category, to the “Wow! You’re Really Judgmental and Kind of a B” category. I wanted to take them from “good” to “bad”. I wanted to label this person as “bad” in my mind. Why? Because in addition to hurting my feelings, their comment let me know that they label me as “bad”. And they may not know this but I’m rubber and they are glue. #science

But I’ve been obsessively thinking about it all morning and I have come to some conclusions. The first of which is, they are not “bad”.

It should come as no surprise to anyone that it is human nature to think of most things in a dualistic, good vs bad, no gray area kind of way. One of our favorite pastimes is gossiping about celebrities and sorting them into good vs bad categories. Bill Cosby used to be good but now he is bad. The discovery of his unforgivable actions erased the good things we liked about him. He is no longer good. He is now bad. During the height of the #MeToo movement, I was shocked and saddened by the news that many of the actors and celebrities I once liked were capable of such ugly and horrifying behavior. They were moved from the “good” category to the “bad” category overnight.

But is it really true that people fit into only one of two categories? Is it true that people can either only be good or only be bad? I really don’t think so.

I try very hard to be objective about myself and to see both the good and the bad in my actions. I know I have done wrong at times and I know I have done right. I do not delude myself into believing I am always right and my actions are always righteous. It may seem that way to others, I don’t know. We don’t really know how others perceive us. So maybe there are people out there who think I am self-righteous and that I do not see my wrongs. I can actually see how conversations I’ve had with others might come off that way. But, dear reader, please be assured, I know I have been wrong many times.

So knowing that I do not fit into either the “good” or “bad” categories, why should I assume that everyone else does? If I am neither all good or all bad, why would anyone else be?

We are all capable of tremendous acts of kindness or horrendous acts of evil. We can all be inclined to be judgmental of others, especially if they have done something to hurt us. And we can all be overcome with compassion for others as well.

The person who hurt me, who said something nasty about me, I know a few things about them. And what I know is that they can be very kind, compassionate, loving and giving. They have a desire to help others, especially the vulnerable. They have been a good friend, not to me, but to others.

Can they also be judgmental? Apparently. Selfish? I’ve heard a few things. Does that make them bad? Does it erase all the good? I don’t think so.

Jesus said, “Why do you call me good? No one is good—except God alone.” (Luke 18:19)

I always thought this meant we were all bad. And I have to laugh as I type that. Because that is the old dualistic mindset, putting everything into binary categories again. If it’s not good, it’s bad, right?

Maybe what he really meant is “stopping labeling everything”. Stop sorting people into “good” and “bad”. Can we please get over our need to categorize and label and just focus on God, who actually is good?

Does it still hurt me to know people are still chucking me into the “bad” bin? Of course it does! People I know have warned other people I know to stay away from my husband and me. And I was so distraught earlier, I actually made a list of what they were warning people about.

Stay Away From Nick and Bonnie Because:

  • Nose ring
  • Listening to non-Christian music and associating with people who smoke cigarettes
  • Trouble makers/ do not submit to authority
  • Liars
  • Turned teens against their parents (back when we were youth pastors)
  • Church hoppers
  • Only friends with someone so we could get the gossip
  • Support the LGBTQ community

That’s all I could think of. People were actually told not to associate with us because of those things. That list represents what makes my husband and me worthy of the “bad” category. Some of the things on this list are absolutely true. I DO have a nose ring. I DO listen to non-Christian music and associate with people who smoke. I DO support the LGBTQ community. I HAVE been to more than one church. We haven’t always been so good at “submitting to authority”. LOL. And I’m sure I’ve told a lie or two. (Or three or four.) But I can say with absolute certainty that I’ve never intentionally tried to turn teens away from their parents or only been friends with someone so I could get the hot goss. I’ve never intentionally been a trouble maker or made a habit of lying. (I really do try to be honest.)

It hurts to think that these are the things that landed me in the “bad” bin and that this is what people are saying about us. But I know I’m no different. I know I have said unkind things about others. I know I have painted others as “all bad” when in truth they are not.

And I guess that’s really the point of this post. No one is “all bad” or “all good”. Everyone has a list like the one above of things others have said about them. Many people are both kind AND judgmental. Many people are both generous AND dishonest. We are all a mix. That doesn’t mean people don’t have to be held accountable for their actions, or that their negative behavior should be excused or overlooked. It doesn’t even mean that we should weigh every person’s actions in a “pros and cons” type list to see if the good outweighs the bad. For me it just means, I shouldn’t be so quick to judge. Because the people out there who have hurt me and said negative things about me, they’ve done good things too, they’re both good and bad. Just like me.

So that’s it. That’s where all my pondering, obsessive thinking and anxiety led me today. It led me to the conclusion that we’re all a mix of good and bad. Just because someone hurt me doesn’t make them bad. And I need to keep working on leaving behind that dualistic, binary way of thinking that categorizes people, dehumanizing them in the process. Also, it’s ok if some people think I’m bad. I can live with that.

I leave you with this video. Before you click play, I should warn you, it’s non-Christian. *wink*

This Vessel or Why Everyone Should Practice Creativity or Horcruxes Are Real: Here’s My Proof

I started doing something yesterday. No one told me to do it. It just popped into my head and it seemed like a good idea so I went with it.

I started calling my body, “this vessel”.

I am not my body and my body is not me. I’m not my thoughts and I am not my feelings. I am not even my actions.* I am a spirit, energy, a soul. I am something my mind does not comprehend because our minds exist within a specific framework and “I” exist outside that framework. I use my mind, my mind does not use me. I exist outside of it. I use my body, my body does not use me. I don’t really know who the “I” or “me” or “my” are in those sentences. “I” doesn’t seem to accurately describe it. But here we are. I am me.

So saying “my body” is accurate because it is the body I have control over, it is the one I use. But there are certain connotations with the phrase “my body”, at least for me, that keep me from really understanding what my body is.

One, there’s the idea that this vessel, my body, IS the embodiment of “me”. That this flesh represents who I am. But as I’ve already said, I am not my body.

A lot of emphasis is put on physique, weight, appearance, health. But these are all flesh issues, not soul issues. And it makes sense, in a way, because our flesh is the most visible part of us. It’s the part of us most frequently judged by others. Our appearance sends messages to others, some we intend and others we do not. My weight, tattoos, skin color, hair style, nose ring, height, clothing – they all send a message. A message I can’t even know because it is only known to the one receiving the message. I can try to send out a message with the choices I make regarding my appearance and a lot of times those messages can be received as I intend them.

But I am not my body. I live inside this flesh, it is not me. It will one day die but I will live on. How can something that I outlive be me?

Two, there’s the idea that this vessel, my body, is all I have. Once this flesh dies, I am no more. My spirit, energy, soul lives on somewhere else. But to the living world, I am gone. So we must work to keep our flesh in top running condition for as long as possible because it is all we have. It is our only connection to the living world.

I don’t believe this either. I believe we impart a piece of ourselves in everything we create and when others enjoy our creation, they are enjoying a tiny piece of us. This blog, for example, contains dozens of tiny snapshots of my soul that I wrote down and sent into the world for others to enjoy. When I go back and reread some of the things I’ve written, I see a younger version of myself that I’d forgotten existed and I feel her feelings and see through her eyes. They are tiny horcruxes** that allow my spirit and soul to live on, long after my flesh is gone.

The Mona Lisa is arguably the most famous painting ever created. It was created in 1503 and Leonardo da Vinci, the artist who painted her, has been dead since 1519. It has literally been 500 years since he died and we are still utterly fascinated by this painting and by him. People still analyze it, study it, try to copy it, and flock to see it. Why? It is because it is a horcrux that contains both the soul of da Vinci and the soul of Lisa, herself. A horcrux, if you remember from Harry Potter, is an object used to store part of a person’s soul, protecting him or her from death.** When we look at this painting, feelings rise up within us, whether we want them to or not, something of the artists’ soul was left on that canvas.

Visit any art gallery, go to any concert, read any book, look at a beautiful garden or enjoy a delicious piece of pie. You’ll find a part of the creator’s soul.

So my body, this flesh that I occupy, it’s only one vessel for my spirit, energy, soul. There are so many others: the stories and songs I’ve written, the recipes I’ve poured a part of myself into, the moments I’ve shared with my loved ones. I left a tiny piece of myself in all these, a piece I wanted to share with the world. Some day, when my flesh is gone, part of me will still live on in the things I’ve created. Perhaps this is why so many people feel the call to create and why everyone should practice a little creativity from time to time. To remind ourselves that we are more than these vessels we occupy.

This is one reason I started calling my body, “this vessel”, because it’s only one vessel that I occupy. And not even the most important one.

It’s also the one vessel that I know of that connects me to the living world but I really can’t say that for sure because, to my knowledge, I haven’t died yet. But since I DO know that here and now, it connects me to the living world, I need to take care of it as long as I’m interested in staying here. This vessel is a vehicle to travel the land of the living and just like I take care of my car, I should take care of this vessel.

Thinking of it this way helps me see that my health doesn’t define me and there are some things about my health I have no control over. Maybe your car doesn’t have power windows, that’s ok, you’ll just have to use the hand crank. The vessel I’m living in doesn’t handle gluten well. That’s ok! It’s not ideal but it’s manageable. It doesn’t say anything about ME, the being living in the vessel. But it tells me that if I want the vessel to function well, I should avoid gluten. If I want my car to run well I have to put in the correct fuel and oil, why should my body be any different?

I have not always been kind to this vessel, both mentally and physically, and I would wager that every single person reading this without exception can say the exact same thing. But if I view my body as just one vessel to live in, I separate my worth from it, I am not defined by it. And if I view my body as just the vessel I occupy, I can take care of its needs and issues without wrapping up my sense of self and value in it.

This flesh is just one vessel that I live in. It needs maintenance and care but it is not all that I am. Just like water leaves the banks of the river to join the mighty ocean, one day I will not occupy this vessel but that doesn’t mean I won’t live on.

So it’s weird and a lot of people will probably think I’m completely nuts but that’s ok. I’m going to keep thinking of my body as “this vessel”. Because there is so much more to me than my flesh and because my spirit, energy, soul is already out there in tiny horcruxes, keeping me alive long after my flesh dies. This is just one of my vessels.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Peace.

 

 

* I am not even my actions seems like a problematic statement. Some would argue that our actions are the only true way to define us. But that doesn’t take into account people who are drugged, people with mental illness, those forced to do things beyond their control, people with OCD or Tourettes, this list goes on and on. It also doesn’t take into account people who made mistakes and have since changed their lives and behaviors. While some people would probably love to be defined by their actions, others hope they will not be and some hope their actions will be left in the past or forgotten. I personally do not want to be defined by past actions as I have changed and grown since then.

** Horcruxes

Collection

Even though I am not a genius or wise guru, I’ve decided to put together a little collection of my favorite blog posts into a book. I’ll probably self-publish with Book Baby or another self-publishing service. It’ll be a while before it’s ready but I’ll keep you updated.

Anyway, what I wanna know is, do you have a favorite post that you think I should include? Message or comment! Thanks!