Why do we have to keep doing this? Lol. Does the universe just like watching me be heartbroken?

I say what I have to say to get through the day. Knowing I’m not a person anyone will ever love. I’m not relationship material. I don’t love easily. Some people fall in and out of love. I don’t. Once I fall, that’s it. You’ve got me. And even after you break my heart, part of me will always love you to some degree. Can’t help it. I’m loyal and I genuinely care about people. Even people who hate me.

I realized after my heartbreak last year that I’m not someone anyone wants long term. I’m not worth the long term. Not good enough. And I can list every fault I have that makes me not worth it. Lol. At least once a day I remind myself not to ever hope for anything long term or serious again because that’s not in the cards for me. Casual is fine. The hurt will be minimal with casual when they finally get tired of me.

Growing up my mom always told me I was too fat and not pretty enough and my dad always told me I was crazy. And surprise, those are the exact reasons I’ve been told I’m not relationship material. Plus, boring. Lol.

I start to do ok. To focus on me and my goals and be ok with casual dating. And be ok with who and what I am. And be ok with not being enough. And then someone I have loved will just pop into my life to remind me that I’m not worth a long term relationship. And it shouldn’t hurt but it so does.

I may not have a nice body, or be pretty, or be well adjusted but in general I’m kind, generous, caring, empathetic, sweet… ya know, a mildly decent person. And I don’t feel like I deserve to have my heart crushed repeatedly. I get that I’m not good enough but isn’t telling me that once enough? Do we have to keep doing this??

Ugh. Dating and boys are stupid. 💔

Recruitment Day: Give It Your All

Made a little zine today for a short story I wrote. Here’s the short story for ya. Enjoy.

Aggie was twelve the first time she was called into the recruiting office. Many of her peers had already been called once or twice. But Aggie didn’t possess the gifts that they did. And so she remained unchosen.

Each day she woke with only one hope in mind, to be called to recruiting. She was tired of being left behind. After all, why shouldn’t she take part in the grand ole tradition?

“It’s a beautiful day to be recruited. Don’t you think, Mother?”

“Yes, Aggie. But don’t be so eager. It’s not so terrible to not be chosen,” she would say. This always angered Aggie. Her mother had been recruited so many times now, she was practically sought after.

But the day it finally happened Aggie had not greeted her mother in her usual way. It was raining and she did not think it was a beautiful day. She went to school and sat through True History, Patriotism, and Prosthesis Care before her name was shouted over the intercom.

“Aggie Grey to the recruiting office. Aggie. Grey. Recruiting.”

At first, she thought she was daydreaming. She didn’t move from her seat until the boy next to her whispered, “Aggie…”

“Huh? George, did they really say my name?” she asked. George had an eye patch covering one eye and had to fully turn himself to face her.

“Yes! And you’d better go now.” Everyone was staring at her, including the teacher.

She scrambled out of her seat, tripping over her bag. Her hands shook and her breath caught in her chest.

She didn’t need anyone to show her the way to recruiting. She’d walked past it so many times by now wondering when she would finally be called. She’d imagined this day for so long now but in all of her daydreams she’d never expected to feel so small, so nervous. The walls seemed to bow in towards her as she walked, licking their lips and grinning as they threatened to swallow her up. Then just as her hand reached for the handle of the door, it swung open. Inside she was directed to a windowless office where Dr. Fischer, head of recruitment, sat waiting.

“So. Aggie Grey. This is your first time in recruiting, isn’t it?” he asked, looking over a file in his hand.

“Yes, Sir.”

“Well, I’m certain it won’t be your last time here. I can see from your file here that you have a lot of potential to benefit the Patriciate.”

“I hope so, Sir. It is truly an honor.”

He set the file on his desk and extended his good hand towards her. His left sleeve appeared to be hollow.

“I’m Dr. Fischer and I will be coordinating the procedure.”

She shook his hand.

“Sir…”

“You have a question?”

“Well, this is my first time. I’ve done all the reading on recruitment, of course. It’s part of our Patriotism class. But I still don’t really think I know what to expect.”

“You’re nervous, am I right? Everyone is nervous their first time. But you’ll get the hang of it.”

“Can I ask? What will be recruited from me?”

“Of course you can ask, Aggie. In fact, I’ll walk you through the entire process over the next hour or so and then you’ll be taken to medical. Does that sound ok?”

“Yes. Thank you. It seems silly to be nervous. I mean everyone goes through this, right?”

“Well, all of us plebeians do,” he laughed. “No one in the Patriciate has ever been recruited.”

Aggie laughed along with him. It felt good to laugh. It calmed her nerves. This was normal. Everyone went through this. Soon she’d be back with her classmates, just another one of them, having served dutifully.

“And in answer to your question, Aggie, we’ll be taking your eyes. Someone in the Patriciate liked their color so they’re replacing theirs with yours. You’ve gone over learning to live without sight in Prothesis Care, haven’t you?”

“Yes, Sir.”

The End.

Alternate Title: The Eyes of Aggie Grey.