I wrote another poem today. About the way I process my emotions. When I was a kid I was often told I wear my heart on my sleeve and that I needed to just be ok. My emotions feel so big inside me sometimes. I feel like I don’t know how to contain them. I need to express them somehow. But I don’t know how to process them in a way that doesn’t make other people uncomfortable. That’s partially why I keep this blog. I have found that writing poetry, prose, music and making art are great ways for me to get the feelings outside of myself and alleviate the pressure. I need to externalize some of this or the feelings swell until I don’t know what to do. And, yes, I do post links to my blog posts on my other socials. The very few people who take the time to read what I write and respond to it are so precious to me. They help me feel seen and less alone in a way I desperately need.

Please understand, I am fully, painfully aware that the way I process my emotions makes most people uncomfortable. Maybe even upset. I see this blog as a compromise between my need to externalize and their need to shut me up. No one has to read what I write here. That’s the whole point. If you click the link I post on my other socials and read this, that is your choice. I already know from years of experience that my emotions are not welcome. But I need to do something with them. So this is what I do.

Ok enough of that shit. Here’s the poem:

What if I broke it

Someone called me toxic recently. Lol. I mean, they weren’t wrong. I’m like a lot of humans roaming this cursed globe: traumatized. Trauma creates unnecessary traffic jams in your neural pathways. It creates unhealthy thought patterns and coping mechanisms.

Trauma is a little bitch.

So, like so many other people, I do toxic shit sometimes. And not all of my coping mechanisms are beneficial.

I’m not making excuses. I don’t like this or think it’s ok. All I’m saying is, hey, I’m not unique here.

Today, during a cathartic, liberating, and difficult conversation, I had to admit I have a really, really unhealthy coping mechanism right now and I need to work on changing it. I was able to identify some of the events that lead to this particular pattern of behavior. And all the hurt and rage just came flooding back.

I had a good cry.

(Crying feels so good sometimes. Sometimes it sucks Chester Cheetah’s puffs but sometimes it helps you let go of stuff.)

Afterwards, I decided I needed some art therapy. I painted a skull alongside a hearty “FUCK U”. I ripped the heads off little black and white people and drew “X’s” over their eyes. I burned them too. I felt good.

I’ve got some trust issues I didn’t used to have. I’ve always been a little too trusting. I’ve literally been told by close friends and family to be less trusting. But for the last 3 years, I’ve come to believe that everyone who says they like me or love me is probably lying to me. Lol. In fact, I tell myself that every day. I know I’m doing it to protect myself. But it’s bad. Lol. It’s no good. I need to stop it.

But if they don’t really like me, if they never really loved me, then when they eventually leave me, it won’t hurt as much. Right?

(Every time I write a super vulnerable post like this, I feel like I’m writing Confessions of A Teenage Drama Queen. 😂)

Three years ago, a friend said something to me that I keep coming back to again and again. His name is Chris Feaster and he’s a very cool guy. He said he loves unconditionally while practicing radical detachment. I take that to mean, love people without putting a bunch of expectations on them. And I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.

I want that. I want to do that.

I love. Too deeply sometimes. I’m bad at seeing flaws. I don’t mean I think everyone is perfect. Far from it. But I tend to see wounds over flaws. I see that someone has shit they need to work on just like me. And, in the past, I have hoped and dreamed of a reciprocal kind of love. I mean, I’m human, of course I want to be loved deeply.

But

I also kinda want to just let people be themselves. We all have stuff that is hard for us. People are very rarely going to live up to our expectations. There is no use being mad about it. Detach. LOVE but detach. Give them space to be who they are.

So, yeah, I’m working on detaching more. Being less toxic.

And, now, I have to work on these trust issues too.

One day at a time.

live for the moments

when spirit takes hold

the world full of promise

the ephemeral seed of

the universe

ripe with creation

brimming with determination

knowledge of the holy

divine

sacred

comedy

tragedy

truth spelled out like stars spilling secrets from constellations written across the sky

a wheel within a wheel

the writing on the wall

the gathered breath

caught in your chest

don’t let it escape

hold

hold for just a minute longer

the deep is in your soul

that blue-black ink deep well of ocean that carries in it the sum total of all of human thought and innovation

where leviathan be

where sirens drag you down to fill you with void and infinite nothing and rip the flesh from your bones

hold

for just a moment longer

swim in the moment

let your lungs expand to the vast vacuum of unlimited energy/ unlimited death

life is swirling in the moment

wrapping itself around you

in your hair

your limbs

your mouth

your eyes

piercing

working its way up under your skin

life is in it

death is there

sucking and

shriveling

suffocating and

mummifying

reminding you that all of this means nothing

but all of it is something

for if we find everything in ourselves

and humanity is the worst of creation

she can also be lovely too

and not just horrifying

so live for the moments

when the light bulb comes on

when you see beyond

when the leviathan swims in your gut

when the stars sit in your chest

when the void fills you so deeply you feel the everything of existence pulsing through you

and hold

for just a minute longer

because before you can stop it

it will all be gone

breathe it in while it’s here

remember her fondly when she goes

don’t forget her

look for her

and when she comes around again

when you find her in the most unexpected of places and times

drink her in

breathe her in

let her fill you

and hold