Recruitment Day: Give It Your All

Made a little zine today for a short story I wrote. Here’s the short story for ya. Enjoy.

Aggie was twelve the first time she was called into the recruiting office. Many of her peers had already been called once or twice. But Aggie didn’t possess the gifts that they did. And so she remained unchosen.

Each day she woke with only one hope in mind, to be called to recruiting. She was tired of being left behind. After all, why shouldn’t she take part in the grand ole tradition?

“It’s a beautiful day to be recruited. Don’t you think, Mother?”

“Yes, Aggie. But don’t be so eager. It’s not so terrible to not be chosen,” she would say. This always angered Aggie. Her mother had been recruited so many times now, she was practically sought after.

But the day it finally happened Aggie had not greeted her mother in her usual way. It was raining and she did not think it was a beautiful day. She went to school and sat through True History, Patriotism, and Prosthesis Care before her name was shouted over the intercom.

“Aggie Grey to the recruiting office. Aggie. Grey. Recruiting.”

At first, she thought she was daydreaming. She didn’t move from her seat until the boy next to her whispered, “Aggie…”

“Huh? George, did they really say my name?” she asked. George had an eye patch covering one eye and had to fully turn himself to face her.

“Yes! And you’d better go now.” Everyone was staring at her, including the teacher.

She scrambled out of her seat, tripping over her bag. Her hands shook and her breath caught in her chest.

She didn’t need anyone to show her the way to recruiting. She’d walked past it so many times by now wondering when she would finally be called. She’d imagined this day for so long now but in all of her daydreams she’d never expected to feel so small, so nervous. The walls seemed to bow in towards her as she walked, licking their lips and grinning as they threatened to swallow her up. Then just as her hand reached for the handle of the door, it swung open. Inside she was directed to a windowless office where Dr. Fischer, head of recruitment, sat waiting.

“So. Aggie Grey. This is your first time in recruiting, isn’t it?” he asked, looking over a file in his hand.

“Yes, Sir.”

“Well, I’m certain it won’t be your last time here. I can see from your file here that you have a lot of potential to benefit the Patriciate.”

“I hope so, Sir. It is truly an honor.”

He set the file on his desk and extended his good hand towards her. His left sleeve appeared to be hollow.

“I’m Dr. Fischer and I will be coordinating the procedure.”

She shook his hand.

“Sir…”

“You have a question?”

“Well, this is my first time. I’ve done all the reading on recruitment, of course. It’s part of our Patriotism class. But I still don’t really think I know what to expect.”

“You’re nervous, am I right? Everyone is nervous their first time. But you’ll get the hang of it.”

“Can I ask? What will be recruited from me?”

“Of course you can ask, Aggie. In fact, I’ll walk you through the entire process over the next hour or so and then you’ll be taken to medical. Does that sound ok?”

“Yes. Thank you. It seems silly to be nervous. I mean everyone goes through this, right?”

“Well, all of us plebeians do,” he laughed. “No one in the Patriciate has ever been recruited.”

Aggie laughed along with him. It felt good to laugh. It calmed her nerves. This was normal. Everyone went through this. Soon she’d be back with her classmates, just another one of them, having served dutifully.

“And in answer to your question, Aggie, we’ll be taking your eyes. Someone in the Patriciate liked their color so they’re replacing theirs with yours. You’ve gone over learning to live without sight in Prothesis Care, haven’t you?”

“Yes, Sir.”

The End.

Alternate Title: The Eyes of Aggie Grey.

I’ve been angry for too long

For as long as I can remember, in every relationship I’ve had – as a daughter, as a mother, as a wife, as a friend – whenever there is a conflict I’m usually the one who apologizes first and tries to fix the situation. Maybe it’s because I don’t like conflict or maybe it’s because I’m scared to lose people. But I can tell you this: no one is scared to lose me. The people who are closest to me continue, year after year, to walk all over me, say hurtful things, and never once worry if I’m hurt or care. I’m tired of always being the bad guy. I’m tired of no one caring if they hurt me or worry that someday they might push me too far and lose me. I would love for someone, one day to give a shit, but they won’t. Because I’m too forgiving and too much of a doormat. So I need to go hermit mode for a while. I’m tired of being walked on.

Ham

Someone went ham.

I don’t check my stats every day. I really only check them when I’ve posted something new. Gotta get that sweet, sweet dopamine by seeing my views go up. But if I haven’t posted that day or the day before, I typically don’t bother to check.

That’s why it completely escaped my notice that on February 22, someone found my blog and just went nuts. I mean they were reading some really old stuff. And embarrassing stuff at that.

Why was it embarrassing? I would say mostly because a lot, A LOT, of my old writing doesn’t reflect who I am anymore. And rereading some of them I wonder how much they reflected who I was at the time. I suppose they did. But so much of my life was wrapped up in trying to fit into the church world of rural Missouri that I honestly can’t say if much of what I wrote then was me. I censored myself a lot back then. I wanted to speak truth to power but in a likable way. I wanted to rock the boat enough but not tip it over. I wanted to persuade with pretty, witty writing and I feared angering the people in my life.

Yesterday I found myself in a parking ramp I hadn’t been in for about a year. The last time I was there I had a boyfriend and I thought we were in love. If I’m being honest, I hoped we’d be together for a very long time. We broke up a few months later. We’re still very good friends but being in that parking ramp today brought back a flood of memories and emotions from a year ago. And I realized just how much has changed in a year, how much I’ve changed.

Change.

I started this blog over 11 years ago because I frequently had a lot on my mind and I wanted an outlet for it. And yet, I still censored myself and tried to make myself palatable for my readers. Looking through what my mysterious fan read on the 22nd, I can’t believe just how much my life has changed. Especially in the last 3.5 years since my ex-husband left. This blog and my Instagram account (which I started in 2010) have both acted as a kind of public diary for life and the lives of my kids for a long time now. So any time I go in and do a deep dive on either account I get a glimpse into the past, and often I don’t like what I see.

But recent events in my life have been putting things in perspective for me. And something I’ve realized is just how much I’ve been running from who I was and running from problems I didn’t want to face. I took a good, hard look at myself yesterday and realized I had been lying to myself about a lot of things for quite a while.

There are parts of me that are so beautiful and powerful. Parts that’ve been with me since I was young. I see those parts here in my past and now in my present. And there are parts of me that are embarrassing, parts that are corrupt, parts that are dishonest, parts that are unkind. I see those in both my past and present as well. Looking over who I’ve been before and who I am now, I realize how much I want to nurture those beautiful, powerful parts of me. And seeing all the times I’ve lied to myself, and all the running I’ve done these last few years, I know I have to stop running and start being honest.

Whoever you are that found my blog and brought up the past, thank you. You inadvertently caused me to have to take a real look at myself. I have to litigate my past and confront my present. I need to burn the chaff and salvage the sweetness and goodness that is in me. I need to stop running.

I constantly say I’m working on myself but now I wonder if that’s been a lie. I know I will be from now on.

So thanks, Ham, whoever you are.