I say what I have to say to get through the day. Knowing I’m not a person anyone will ever love. I’m not relationship material. I don’t love easily. Some people fall in and out of love. I don’t. Once I fall, that’s it. You’ve got me. And even after you break my heart, part of me will always love you to some degree. Can’t help it. I’m loyal and I genuinely care about people. Even people who hate me.

I realized after my heartbreak last year that I’m not someone anyone wants long term. I’m not worth the long term. Not good enough. And I can list every fault I have that makes me not worth it. Lol. At least once a day I remind myself not to ever hope for anything long term or serious again because that’s not in the cards for me. Casual is fine. The hurt will be minimal with casual when they finally get tired of me.

Growing up my mom always told me I was too fat and not pretty enough and my dad always told me I was crazy. And surprise, those are the exact reasons I’ve been told I’m not relationship material. Plus, boring. Lol.

I start to do ok. To focus on me and my goals and be ok with casual dating. And be ok with who and what I am. And be ok with not being enough. And then someone I have loved will just pop into my life to remind me that I’m not worth a long term relationship. And it shouldn’t hurt but it so does.

I may not have a nice body, or be pretty, or be well adjusted but in general I’m kind, generous, caring, empathetic, sweet… ya know, a mildly decent person. And I don’t feel like I deserve to have my heart crushed repeatedly. I get that I’m not good enough but isn’t telling me that once enough? Do we have to keep doing this??

Ugh. Dating and boys are stupid. 💔