Someone called me toxic recently. Lol. I mean, they weren’t wrong. I’m like a lot of humans roaming this cursed globe: traumatized. Trauma creates unnecessary traffic jams in your neural pathways. It creates unhealthy thought patterns and coping mechanisms.

Trauma is a little bitch.

So, like so many other people, I do toxic shit sometimes. And not all of my coping mechanisms are beneficial.

I’m not making excuses. I don’t like this or think it’s ok. All I’m saying is, hey, I’m not unique here.

Today, during a cathartic, liberating, and difficult conversation, I had to admit I have a really, really unhealthy coping mechanism right now and I need to work on changing it. I was able to identify some of the events that lead to this particular pattern of behavior. And all the hurt and rage just came flooding back.

I had a good cry.

(Crying feels so good sometimes. Sometimes it sucks Chester Cheetah’s puffs but sometimes it helps you let go of stuff.)

Afterwards, I decided I needed some art therapy. I painted a skull alongside a hearty “FUCK U”. I ripped the heads off little black and white people and drew “X’s” over their eyes. I burned them too. I felt good.

I’ve got some trust issues I didn’t used to have. I’ve always been a little too trusting. I’ve literally been told by close friends and family to be less trusting. But for the last 3 years, I’ve come to believe that everyone who says they like me or love me is probably lying to me. Lol. In fact, I tell myself that every day. I know I’m doing it to protect myself. But it’s bad. Lol. It’s no good. I need to stop it.

But if they don’t really like me, if they never really loved me, then when they eventually leave me, it won’t hurt as much. Right?

(Every time I write a super vulnerable post like this, I feel like I’m writing Confessions of A Teenage Drama Queen. 😂)

Three years ago, a friend said something to me that I keep coming back to again and again. His name is Chris Feaster and he’s a very cool guy. He said he loves unconditionally while practicing radical detachment. I take that to mean, love people without putting a bunch of expectations on them. And I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.

I want that. I want to do that.

I love. Too deeply sometimes. I’m bad at seeing flaws. I don’t mean I think everyone is perfect. Far from it. But I tend to see wounds over flaws. I see that someone has shit they need to work on just like me. And, in the past, I have hoped and dreamed of a reciprocal kind of love. I mean, I’m human, of course I want to be loved deeply.

But

I also kinda want to just let people be themselves. We all have stuff that is hard for us. People are very rarely going to live up to our expectations. There is no use being mad about it. Detach. LOVE but detach. Give them space to be who they are.

So, yeah, I’m working on detaching more. Being less toxic.

And, now, I have to work on these trust issues too.

One day at a time.