So I had this difficult conversation today. It brought up so much stuff inside me. Just waves of pain. Happened completely out of the blue. And it wasn’t even an argument or anything. I was just being told some very sort of life altering, distressing news. At the beginning of the conversation I was panicking but by the end I knew I’d figure my shit out like I always do. But even after sorta figuring out what direction I needed to head after getting this information, I still wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything would be ok. I already knew it would be ok, but I wanted someone to fucking care. Lol.

And what I realized is that I’ve been chasing that feeling since childhood. I could remember instances from when I was a kid of hoping a parent or ANYONE gave a shit about me or my pain. Maybe there were times in my life when I thought someone cared. But not anymore.

But that hasn’t stopped me from chasing that feeling. And I look around at all the people in my life and realize we all want that. We all want to feel like someone has us. And for a lot of people, they gave up on finding that a long time ago. But I guess my stupid ass didn’t.

So as I’m sitting here processing that shit, I’m realizing no one cares and that’s fine.

Someone recently told me that I’m too intense and that I don’t have it that bad in life. They’re probably right about both of those things. But them telling me that didn’t suddenly make my ridiculously sensitive emotional switch flip off. I don’t know why I’m built this way but emotions just sort of take over my body like an electric current and there is no off switch.

So even though I am too intense and I don’t have it that bad, I’m still coursing with this emotional current right now activated by an unsafe conversation.

I’m not safe. And that’s fine.

And there is no one who wants to hear about this. There is no one who cares. And that’s honestly fine. We’re all just out here trying to survive. No one is going to tell me it’s going to be ok. And honestly I don’t want them to.

I need to stop running to outside sources hoping they will care enough to make me feel safe again. I need to be the source of my own safety. I’m tired of the people I’m hoping will make me feel safe becoming the ones who make me feel unsafe. No one has got me. Lol.

Yes, people love me and are there for me, whatever. But no one is that rock I can’t stop looking for. And I’m so exceedingly stupid for looking for it.

I’m done.