I haven’t had a home for nearly 2 years.

That isn’t to say I’ve been homeless. I haven’t been without housing at all. I’m very thankful for that.

When I say I haven’t had a home for nearly 2 years, what I mean is that I haven’t felt at home anywhere since the day my ex left. The moment he left it stopped feeling like my home. I was living there but somehow I’d walked through a doorway into a parallel dimension.

I am now on the precipice of my third move in under 2 years. The decision to move yet again took a long time to make and a lot of heavy conversations with my son. But we made the decision together. Now, we’re packing, cleaning, trying to sell the house I bought when I moved to Iowa, and looking for a rental in Iowa City.

Once again, I am purging my belongings. Once again I’m sifting through the ashes of my marriage and deciding which artifacts to bring along with me to our new home. It’s painful for someone like me, who associates a memory with everything I own. I pick up an object and immediately my mind flashes to where it was in our old house, or I remember when we bought it. I’ve cried so much the last few weeks. I’ve been so angry. I’ve asked myself how these things made it from move to move and why I haven’t gotten rid of them before now.

But the purging, packing, cleaning process will be coming to an end soon and hopefully before I know it, I’ll be signing a lease on a new place.

It’s hard to describe how excited I am at the thought of making a home for myself. That’s not something I’ve ever really done. The home I made before was for my spouse and my children. This one will be for me.

I don’t really pray anymore. But if I had a prayer it would be for this move to happen as quickly as possible. Because I can’t wait to have a home, a place of my own, filled with the things I value and love. Filled with me.

Before I split with my ex, I had an office in our house. I’m proud to say it was almost everyone’s favorite room. I know why. Because I made it completely me. It was decorated according to my aesthetic alone. People felt comfortable there and they often remarked on how beautiful it was. I’ve been trying to imagine my entire home that way.

When I moved to Iowa, I knew the house I was moving into was just a temporary dwelling space. I didn’t bother to decorate really. It never felt like home to me. Why make an effort if you’re just planning to leave?

But, I’ve begun falling in love with Iowa City. I adore her, actually. I don’t want to make another temporary home. I’m making no plans to leave. Once I find my new place and move in, I’m settling in for quite a while. I’m making myself a home.

And that thought thrills me.