I had an important thought a few days ago that I’ve been hanging onto and I don’t want to forget it. I would love to write this long winded post outlining my thought process like I normally do but the last several days of my life have taken a toll. So I’m going to be as brief as it’s possible for me to be. Which probably won’t be that brief.

I’ve been through a lot of change since August 7, 2021 and the further I get from that date the easier it is to see a difference between the “old” me and the me I’m becoming. Healing isn’t linear and so even though most of the time I’m moving forward, sometimes I move backward. As I strive to move forward, there are times when something brings up a memory from the past and I feel totally overwhelmed. A lot of times I look back and wonder why I did something, believed something, allowed something in my life. I look at the old me and use my 20/20 hindsight to see through the bullshit. It’s so easy to judge my past self from the safety of the future.

Right now I’m going through the process of trying to downsize my possessions. Seems like I’ve been doing that on wash, rinse, repeat since my ex and I split. Let me tell you, nothing brings up old painful memories like a bunch of stupid tchotchkes and knick-knacks. I’m a sentimental idiot so it’s easy to do.

One day, after having a mental health crisis over some candle holders, I sat down and had a little talk with myself. I didn’t really want the candle holders and I also didn’t want to get rid of them. I honestly couldn’t remember why I liked them so much in the first place. But they were one of the first things I bought to decorate my home with after I was married. It seems like so much of the time when these memories surface, I’m just trying to understand the old me, her motivations, etc. I feel like I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time examining her choices and behaviors for so long now. I’m either chastising or defending the old me or both at the same time. It’s exhausting.

I very much recognize that I’m not the same person I was. Nothing makes that more evident than having conversations with people who knew the old me well but haven’t gotten to know the new me. The truth is that the new me doesn’t totally understand the old me but she’s striving to protect her and defend her. I don’t completely understand some of the choices I made. I mean I *do* but I don’t. Because the current version of me wouldn’t make those same choices. I probably owe that to the old me. I’ve learned a lot from her mistakes.

The biggest thing I’ve come to realize, is if I keep dwelling on the past I can’t grow. I can’t be me if I’m still trying to protect her. That’s it. That’s my big realization. I like the new me; I like who I’m becoming. But if I’m spending my time defending and protecting a version of me that doesn’t exist anymore, I can’t grow.

It’s time to leave my behind in the past, as Pumbaa would say. Or something clever and witty and goofy. Idk.

I want to become who I’m becoming. (Profound, I know.) So I gotta let the old girl go. I love her. I feel so badly for her. She went through a lot of shit that she didn’t deserve. But she’s not here anymore. I am.

I wish I could unzip an invisible zipper in the air that would open onto a pocket dimension just for me. I would take her there along with all the stupid tchotchkes I don’t want and build her a nice little retirement home to spend the rest of her days. But, alas, I cannot. I’ll do it in my mind though. I’ll take her there and safely zip her away so she is protected and can’t be hurt anymore. Because I need to live my life now and I can’t be me if I’m still trying to protect her.