Ramblings… ignore this.

Today is proving to be a hard day for me emotionally. Being honest, I’ve noticed I regularly get depressed at the start of the week now. And it’s not because I’ve got a case of “The Mondays”. I honestly don’t know what the correlation is between my sadness and the beginning of each week.

Yesterday, I spent most of the day in bed. I wanted to do laundry but I did not. I wrote a song about my sadness instead and watched a movie with my son.

I have noticed that each week when the sadness hits, it’s getting easier and easier to make myself do something, anything. So that’s good. I did the dishes today and a load of laundry. I’m planning to do some errands too.

I’ve got some goals I’m working towards and I’m hoping I will see myself climb out of this cycle of sadness the closer I get to achieving those goals. But the truth is, I am grieving. And I am coming to grips with a new reality I was not prepared for.

I weirdly have a lot of confidence in my talents, skills and abilities but not a lot of confidence in my ability to maintain relationships. Something that seems very true, I can be very diplomatic when I use my “customer service” persona, and people are comfortable with that side of me. But when I get real with people, they don’t like it as much. I thought I had found the one person who could handle “the real me” but I was wrong. And I get really sad thinking about it. So maybe that’s it? I don’t know.

I know I’ve gotta keep working on myself and toward my goals. I know I have to keep working toward liking myself exactly as I am.

Today has been hard but it was easier than last week. So I’m hoping next week will be even easier.

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