It’s hard to explain where my brain is at these days. Every day is such a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions. But I’m hoping I can explain a little of the outward chaos everyone is witnessing on the daily. (There is also inner chaos. Don’t get it twisted.)
Some of you know that my husband of 21 years and I separated at the beginning of August. I will not go into the details. I will only say that the separation is the reason for my chaos.
Every day since we separated has become a struggle between the dark and the light. Some days the dark takes me over and I cannot get out of bed, I become convinced that I am the worst person alive. All the mean things I’ve worked so hard for years to stop saying to myself coming flooding back and I have little strength to silence them. Those days, I sleep a lot, I cry a lot, I don’t eat.
Other days, I walk in the light. I’m able to see the good in me, the beauty, the kindness, the humor. Those days I post a lot on Facebook because I have joy and I need to spread it, I get a lot done, I get outside and ride my bike or take a walk.
But most days are a mix of both. Today, for instance, I took a wonderful, short hike in the woods at Bray Conservation. Driving home, a memory hit me from the day of my wedding. It was such a good memory and I realized I still have love in my heart for my soon to be ex. This made me incredibly sad because I know we will not be able to resolve our differences. I then spiraled into a thought pattern about no one ever wanting me again. I was in so much pain just after having such a wonderful, inspiring hike. So I went and bought a punching bag. And putting that punching bag together brought me back to a sort of ok place.
I probably seem really unstable right now to most people observing my life. And maybe that’s because I don’t know how to feel or what to think from one moment to the next. My entire world crumbled when he left and I’ve been trying to put the pieces back together ever since.
I’m trying hard to find balance now between the light and the dark, trying to be the steady person I’ve slowly become over the years. And every day I cringe at something else I’ve done or said or thought. I’m not entirely who I want to be right now. I can see her, she’s right there. I just can’t quite reach her yet.
I feel like a strange imposter is living in my skin saying and doing things I wouldn’t say or do. She moved in and I’m not sure how to get rid of her. But I know learning to love myself again is key to her ousting and to the return of the girl I feel I truly am.
A huge part of me wants to isolate from society so I can just work on myself privately and stop behaving like a yo-yo. But another big part needs the love and support of my friends right now and spending time with them, laughing and talking about anything other than my life is so important to my mental health.
And so I swim in the chaos of light and dark, of isolation and socializing. I rabbit back and forth between being overly loquacious and being utterly silent. I constantly assume I’m annoying everyone and I probably am.
I don’t know how long I will be like this. Know that I find myself every bit as chaotic and annoying as the rest of you do. But know, too, that I am working on myself daily. I am working to see my worth and beauty. I am working to see my good and humor. I am working to be ok with potentially being alone for the rest of my life. Being alone is very hard for me but one of my goals is to learn to be ok with it.
If you made it this far, thanks for taking the time to read this and hopefully understand a little better why I am so chaotic right now. I am a little terrified that my emotional roller coaster will scare my friends away. It hasn’t happened so far so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it won’t.
Thank you to everyone who has loved me through this difficult time in my life. Thank you for the hugs and shoulders to cry on and the gifts and laughter. Thank you for all the YouTube and TikTok videos. Thank you for the music and the books. Thank you for your smiles.
Lastly, if you read this and you are hoping to contact me to talk about this, I would like to politely ask you not to. I’m sorry. I just can’t talk about it anymore. I appreciate the thought though. And I thank you for wanting to reach out. I know it comes from a place of love and kindness.
I don’t know how long I’ll leave this up. I might delete it right away. Sometimes I just need an outlet and I’ve used this blog as such for a long time.
Anyway, I love you all.